If It Floats It\'s a ... FIRST VILLAGER We have found a witch. May we burn her? ALL A Witch! Burn her! BEDEVERE How do you know she is a witch? ALL She looks like one. Yes, she does. BEDEVERE Bring her forward. They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up as a witch. WITCH I am not a witch. I am not a witch. BEDEVERE But you are dressed as one. WITCH They dressed me up like this. ALL We didn't, we didn't! WITCH This is not my nose, It is a false one. BEDEVERE takes her nose off. BEDEVERE Well? FIRST VILLAGER ... Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE The nose? FIRST VILLAGER And the hat. But she is a witch. ALL A witch, a witch, burn her! BEDEVERE Did you dress her up like this? FIRST VILLAGER ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart. BEDEVERE Why do you think she is a witch? SECOND VILLAGER She turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE A newt? SECOND VILLAGER (After looking at himself for some time) I got better. ALL Burn her anyway. BEDEVERE Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest ALL There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere? BEDEVERE Tell me ... what do you do with witches? ALL Burn them. BEDEVERE And what do you burn, apart from witches? FOURTH VILLAGER ... Wood? BEDEVERE So why do witches burn? SECOND VILLAGER (pianissimo) ... Because they're made of wood...? BEDEVERE Good. PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion. ALL I see. Yes, of course. BEDEVERE So how can we tell if she is made of wood? FIRST VILLAGER Make a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone? ALL Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ... BEDEVERE Does wood sink in water? ALL No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To the pond. BEDEVERE Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water? ALL Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ... ARTHUR A duck. They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed. BEDEVERE Exactly. So... logically ... FIRST VILLAGER (beginning to pick up the thread) If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood. BEDEVERE And therefore? ALL A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck. FOURTH VILLAGER Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere. BEDEVERE We shall use my largest scales. He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest. BEDEVERE Remove the supports. Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck swing slightly but balance perfectly. ALL A witch! A witch! WITCH It's a fair cop. All Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder. The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding each other admiringly. |