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Old 05-Oct-2009, 22:55
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Otei Otei is offline
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The Otei Report: His Race Frig.

I love Cadwell.

As a small child, my mother used to dress me up in a bunny outfit, smear my face with rabbit droppings to make me fit in, and leave me with the furry critters that inhabit its grounds for weeks on end.

It was an excellent schooling, and the circuit knowledge gained from my roadkill rodent adoptive relatives would serve me well in future years....well except for the ability to cross the road. Being runover 73 times in 38 years has been a strain on my Mother and not done my back any good at all.

Herr Oberleutenant Craig Fisher had just returned from an SS meeting devoted to the use of the occult to exterminate of all Rabbits, and had succeeded in making pavement pizza out of at least 500 in his Panzer tank, en route to Cadwell Park. Saturday was spent hiding in the fenland foliage, pointing his occult camera of doom at unsuspecting racers and thinking up imaginative anagrams of his name to use as amusing race report titles.

As this was another home round, we had decided to set up a decent size HQ again. So once again, my Dad came and helped me set everything up on the Friday afternoon, with only the merest of moans.

Chas was already camped up, and had been for some weeks, the vicitim of a cruel hoax by Rattler and Jimbers, who had told Chas there was going to be a wet T shirt competition at Cadwell for 60+ year old women. His Old spice and Hai Karate supply had dwindled to dangerously low levels, partly due to donning it daily in the vain hope of securing a "mature orchid" and partly because he had finished his 16 crates of red wine and moved onto the aftershave as a substitute.

We quickly set up the huge white tent, got some rubber swapped over by Mark at Holbeach and made our escape as Chas was donning his dark black crooners wig, shiny tight black trousers and singing "Gold" by Spandau Ballet whilst simultaneously flicking reeky aftershave bogies at passers by.

It was testament to Kev and Trudi Palmers good nature that they didn't just kick me directly in the love nuggets the minute I turned up at their van the next morning. We'd secured the tent via tie downs to their van wheels and as the winds had reached New Orleans proportions in the night, Kev had been forced into an underpant wearing rescue mission in the middle of the night as it did more banging than Ron Jeremy did in his entire career. Sorry folks!

Qually was going to be a weird one. It was cold and windy. Very windy.

As per usual, I set off at the head of the field and got my head down, just sussing out where the wind was worst. It seemed that it was very keen to have you make friends with the scenery at Coppice, Chris curve and into the Gooseneck the most. I pulled a gap over the pursuing pack and figured I'd done pretty well, cos I just couldn't see anyone. You can imagine how amused I was when Shep had gotten pole, with Sam West and Angry Challis heading the front row off, then me in 4th. Oh well, I was on the outside run at least.

Tracey Sheppard sauntered past and clearly hadn't forgiven me for my Pembrey pole. She turned her back, pulled down her trousers and let out the most titanic fart you ever heard.

"Scared of a little wind?" she cackled.

I scurried off to get the air freshener, the guests were gonna be here soon.

As it turned out, people were wisely waiting until the Sunday to come, they'd seen the weather forecast and only Chris P and cathy P, My Mum and Dad and Kate's Mum and Dad, Dave Dunn and Rob Smith were dumb...er, I mean brave enough to come and get chapped lips in the name of supporting the Otei!

Race 1 then.

It was still super windy, but thankfully, rain hadn't been added to the already diabolical meteorological recipe.

Lights on, lights out....great start.

Nearly had enough on Shep to make a pass but decided to let him suss the first lap out.

We were close for the first circuit and I felt confident, as Shep didn't seem to be his usual smooth self and was overly defensive already. We headed into hall bends and I had the most unusual sensation in my anus....er, I mean I felt something slide up my crack...wait...erm....the frickin seat was stuck up my back like a cockerel's tail and all I needed was a pair of tits and a moustache to look just like one of those munters they have in Streetfighter magazine's centre pages on bodged up Gixxers. Balls!

I pulled in at the old hairpin and got off the bike. The bracket that we use to attach it at the back had stress fractured and cracked, allowing it to come undone and nearly fly off as I'd lifted my arse out of the seat over the mountain. I put it back in place and was just about to get back on and re-join the race.

Suddenly, a man dressed as Worzel Gummidge came running out of the woods screaming "eleventy twelve" and "cup 'o' tea and a slice of cake, Aunt Sally?" I shat myself, but thankfully a marshall clapped him straight in the grill with a broom and wandered over to me.

"Is that seat secure now?", he enquired.

"Yep", I lied.

I got back on and wondered if I could still get into the podium positions?

I started to reel people in, and the less observant figured I was some sort of riding God that was lapping them within 3 laps, which I thought was hilarious.

I closed down and passed Kev Ellis, then saw Steve Hands ahead and wondered if it was just Paul Payne and Shep to go. I passed Steve and then Ghost and Jason Boswell (nice to see you back dude!), but couldn't quite nip past Dallas "Queequeg" Hornblow over the line. Despite having to keep my backside on the seat at all times, I set the fastest lap as well, by 2 seconds.

Chris P and Andy Challis did a magnificent job of fixing the seat unit (cheers chaps) and we were ready for race 2.

It turned out that we were fighting for the biggest trophies you ever did see. The guys at Holbeach had persuaded different people (including John McGuiness) to sponsor the individual trophies, but instead of delivering trophies to Cadwell, there had been a mix up with the garden centre and a load of oversized silver bird baths had been sent instead. Seriously, you could bathe an infant Giraffe in the winners cup!

Long story short, they were awarding a single trophy over the aggregate race times from the 2 races that day. This made Shep uncatchable for 1st unless he binned it, but in order to gain 2nd place, I would have to beat Paul Payne by over 23 seconds in order to grab the 2nd placed bird bath. Hmmm, I'll give it a go then.


Race 2 start and once again Shep just got the drop on me, but I got Segamegadrive out of Charlies and crept past on the way down Park straight. I was so close that I could probably have clearly read the copy of Hustler I knew he had taped to his tank (I only read the articles). Naturally, I was still gash on the brakes into Park, and Shep just sailed past as he had in August.

Once again, he was covering lines well and I followed him super closely. At one point we came over the mountain, and I got a great run on him. The front wheel aviated and I had it sat directly over his back wheel, about two feet above it. Mental.

I backed off and landed it with a shimmy just behind him. We came out of Barn and I got a good enough drive to slip up the inside on the run to Coppice. A good run through Charlies and leaving my braking super late into Park allowed me to make the break and start to put a gap in.

By lap 6 I had a 9 second lead over Shep, and Chris was showing me that I'd pulled 32 seconds on paul Payne, so I was in place to grab the second placed pot.

Then, as I came down the start finish straight, the bike died..."Braaaaagggghh!"...just like Oulton. I couldn't believe it as I coasted to a halt on the outside of Coppice. The Marshall ran over as I was desperately searching for a solution.

"Ten seconds and I'm gonna have to get you to move it mate!"

I looked at the kill switch.....Muppet, I'd switched my own bike off. I could hear the commentator mentioning my name as I re-joined the race and imagined my wife was busily preparing lunch packs to place at each corner for the next days races, just in case I decided to stop off for a break. Unreal, just what was going on today?

Amazingling, I kept 2nd in class and finished 5th overall, once again setting a fastest lap of 1:48.46. I was happy with that, especially as it was still really windy.

I didn't hide my gaff, because I figured it was hilarious.

PART 2 to follow.
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Old 05-Oct-2009, 23:39
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chris.p chris.p is offline
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I really, really do not know this lunatic
Nurse my pills please



Chris
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  #3  
Old 05-Oct-2009, 23:46
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That night, we attended the amazing event that was the Dave Holland festival. The effort and expense that must have gone into it was unimaginable, and we were only sorry that we had to leave relatively early due to Erin needing some sleep. Mr Holland was an amazing bloke who had some amazing friends that loved him dearly. Huge respect.

It was extremely cool to be awarded the 3rd placed trophy, and I figured Paul Payne deserved the 2nd place trophy, especially considering the physical grief he's endured over recent seasons. Shep rightly had number 1 on his bike and the podium, well done fella. Kev Palmer recieving his pot was a nice sight too. Great rides dude.

Apparently, the giutarist in the band playing that evening was the spitting image of me, and Andy Pike thought I was moonlighting..haha!

The weather was the complete antithesis of the previuos day, which had resembled a National Geographic wild weather show, more than a club race at Cadwell Park. Fortunately, we now had sunshine and clear skies. Awesome. Trouble was, it was still pretty cold.

I had a brand new set of tyres to scrub in during qualifying, and took it steady as I went out. despite this, I very nearly made a cat turd of the whole proceedings as the bike slewed sideways on the exit of the old hairpin. I backed off and let a few people by.

After a lap or so, normal service was resumed, so I upped the pace, eventually passing and gapping Shep. I figured that being as I'd come from behind and made some space, surely I had pole?

Yes, was the pleasant answer, and all in time for my guest to start arriving, with quite a few of the crew from work turning up too. Cheers guys.

I kept feeling stings on my arse, and when I turned around, I noticed Mrs Sheppard on a grassy Knoll with an air rifle. I was beginning to wonder if pole position was worth the hassle.

We got the BBQ on the go, and my Mum and Kate did a stand up job of feeding the guests. Thanks ladies, love ya lots.

Main sponsor, Andy Green of Ultimate Finish was lamenting the fact that he'd forgotten to bring an onion with him, cos he loves onions with his burgers, so I lined up in the cafe with everyone else ordering their hot grub and straight faced, asked the dude at the till to sell me a couple of raw spanish onions. To his credit, he did. I sauntered up to Andy and said " It's amazing what you find growing out near Hall bends".

Having had a good chat with loads of folks, I was about as relaxed as I've ever been for the first race and lined up feeling great.

Starting from pole, I was unlikely to be beaten into the first turn, and that's how it turned out. I got my head down and Shep didn't come by into Park...made a pleasant change. First time over the line and I had a 2.5 second lead...eh?

Next lap it was 6 seconds, 9 the next and so on. Something wasn't right, because I beat Shep by 22 seconds at the end of the race. That simply DOES NOT HAPPEN. I was a bit confused, but happy about the victory nonetheless as I never put a foot wrong all race and got into the 47's. To be fair, I'd hoped to have a go at the lap record as I'd come so close at the previous Cadders round, but I was missing a couple of things. One was the same track conditions as August, and the second was me old mate Shep chasing my tail.

It seemed like a hell of a wait until the final DD race of the season, and the dark clouds had started to move in, threatening rain. My hopes of another clean sweep of pole, fastest lap and double race wins were looking mildly sketchy.

I sat in the holding bay looking like a retarded gibbon that was having bananas on strings waved above its head repeatedly. Drops of rain would come, then go, and Chris P tried to look unflustered by it all as he waited to go down to pit lane.

We lined up on the grid and it started to rain properly. I could see shep smiling through his perenniallydark visor and figured I'd see how things panned out.

Tom parkes had finished within a gnats todger of Shep in race 1, and was obviously hoping to grab another podium in this one, to secure 4th in the championship.

I held back on the warm up lap, which is rare for me as I like to lead it, and let a confident and smooth looking Tom Tom lead the way round. I figured that if there were any dodgy spots that he'd find them first. As it happened though, he looked well smooth and in control. Then, just as he crested the rise leading out of Hall Bands, the bike snapped sideways and got into shapes that the Kama Sutra would blush at. Having obviously practised on the rodeo bull the night before, he hung on gamely until the Desmo face planted him out of the front door and into a possible 5th in the championship. Gutted for him.

We lined up on the grid and weren't held for long. Tom was obviously unhurt. Thank god for that.

I let Shep creep ahead on the start and followed him for a lap to see where the grip was and again use him as a marker for any surprises. Things seemed good though, so I pushed past into hall bends and pressed on. Shep was definitely not himself and I pondered it as I wondered whether the rain would return.

Fortunately it didn't, although I reckon I'd have been ok in the conditions, cos I was feeling smooth and relaxed and had let my tyres warm up enough to cope with it.

Once again I pulled a gap, but it was only 9 seconds this time. Big surprise afterwards was that the gap was to Cleggy, who had put in a mega ride to be 2nd overall. Add that to the fabulous new lap record he added the day before and he was having a fine return to form.

Pikey had moved into second, and newbie Neil Appleby had done a blinding job on Rich Foggs old bike to come in 3rd. Nice work son. Shep being off the podium was a huge shock.

So then, another gentlemans set on the championship race day, but it felt hollow and frankly, I was so bored in the second race, not having Shep breathing down my neck that I was working out the points situation between Tom Parkes and Andy Pike to work out if Andy could leap frog Tom.

The presentation was a particularly nice affair, with Andy Shep handing out some mega looking Novice trophies for the action Alarms championship, not to mention a season opening race entry in 2010 for the winners. fabulous.

I got to heckle Chas then give him a very well deserved Steve Hambrook trophy. I think he was surprised by the amont of votes he recieved, don't be mate, you're a legend.

Trudi once again did a great job as riders rep, then made us all take a step back by performing some impromptu gymnastics in the paddock. Really quite impressive.

It suddenly seemed a long way off until March or April, but I'm sure we'll find stuff to amuse ourselves until battle commences again next year.

Final thanks.

Once again to my sponsors, who have been ever generous and amazing.

My lovely wife and daughter, who brighten my life and add that something extra to my racing.

To the rest of my family, Mum and Dad, who continue to support me, year after year.

To Chris P and Cathy, what a pair of diamonds. The victories this year weren't mine, they were ours. Thank you Chris.

Well done to Andy And Sam and everyone in the paddock for being great people....can we race again yet?

Otei #85
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Old 05-Oct-2009, 23:57
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DSC Member Ghost Ghost is offline
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Love reading your reports Tim, you could sketch write for the telly.
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 00:11
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andys 900ss andys 900ss is offline
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You got us both in tears about the Pole position lark fella

Your a true star and sorry I wasnt there to push you to the record, my heart wasn't in it, lol

Andy

Last edited by andys 900ss : 06-Oct-2009 at 00:51.
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 00:32
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Gbyte666 Gbyte666 is offline
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Honestly Tim you could'nt buy such quality written humour, I have stomach ache from lauthing reading that. The Worzel coming out of the woods had Manda & I in stitches. You need to Win the Class A next year ( Which I have no doubt you can achieve ) then you can persue a career as a race comentator on TV.



Craig
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 00:53
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Otei Otei is offline
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Hahaaaaaa!

Great pic Herr Craig, but can we see the original as a comparison, cos I wasn't there to see it dude!
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 11:14
Magpie Magpie is offline
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possibly one of the funniest things i've read in ages.

great work fella.

magpie.
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 13:58
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Chris Wood Chris Wood is offline
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Once again Timee, you have proved your pen is mightier than your sword, you will need to have some kids to prove the sword point though!

Good work all round Otei, top racing and keeping the fans entertained, whatever the weather, the SH trophy has been a great addition, much respect to you and your deviated band of followers.

The top step has your name on it buddy, just need to keep a few feisty whippa snappas at bay!

Nice one,

Cheers
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Old 06-Oct-2009, 14:16
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Congratulations for the races at the weekend and a most amusing write up
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