[andyb]

Trafalgar 2005
A conversation between Admiral Nelson and Captain Hardy.

Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy.
Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.

N: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer, what's the
meaning of this - 'England expects every man to do his duty, regardless of
race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'.
What gobbledegook is this?
H: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer
now. We had a heck of a job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be
considered racist.

N: Gosh, Hardy, hand me my pipe and tobacco
H: Sorry, sir, all naval vessels have been designated smoke free working
environments.
N: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to
steel the men before battle.
H: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's
policy on binge drinking.

N: Good heavens, Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead.
H: I think you'd find that there's a 4mph speed limit in this stretch of
water.
N: Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We
must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.

H: That won't be possible, sir.
N: What?
H: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they say the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
N: Then get me the ships carpenter without delay, Hardy.
H: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
N: Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything more absurd.
H: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled.
N: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of that word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing
the disability card.
H: Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the area
of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

N: Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
H: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
N: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
engage the enemy.
H: The men are a bit worried about shooting anyone, Admiral.
N: What? This is mutiny.
H: It's not that sir, it's just that they are afraid of being charged with
murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of lawyers on board
watching everyone like hawks.
N: Then how do we sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
H: Actually sir, we're not.
N: We're NOT?
H: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are now our European partners.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
N: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
H: I wouldn't let the Ship's Diversity Co-ordinator hear you saying that,
sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.

N: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
H: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
H: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there is a ban on corporal
punishment.
N: Now what about sodomy?
H: I believe it is to be encouraged, sir.
N: In that case, kiss me, Hardy.