I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: Trying to squeeze
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar . The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"
A priest,a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar The barman says, "Is this some
kind of joke?"