Top Tips
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply
think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time
by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having
your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog t*u*rds in the bin
bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night
drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before
going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court
martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post
it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case
they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half
the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound
to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This
will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression
that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something
by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep
your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car
start
and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to
bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for
help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks
in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of
laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch
and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping
the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly
60 mph.
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the
pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to
the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they
blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car
windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy after you've been banged