[Rushjob]

FULHAM - CHARLOTTE CHURCH: - Proof that money cant by you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow

BIRMINGHAM - PAMELA ANDERSON: - Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to

WIGAN - DAVINA McCALL: - Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability

PORTSMOUTH - GIRLS ALOUD: - Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it; you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

SUNDERLAND - KERRY KATONA: - Once the peoples favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted- now disappear back from whence you came, please

SPURS - KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: - Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

EVERTON - DANNI MINOGUE: - The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

ARSENAL - JORDAN: - Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

NEWCASTLE - JODIE MARSH: - Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had a lot of work done but need more to compete @ higher level.

ASTON VILLA - DIDO: - Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

LIVERPOOL - SOPHIE ELLIS-BEXTOR: - Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't quite work.

CHELSEA - RACHAEL STEVENS: - You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

BOLTON - CLARE SHORT: - You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on Earth. Ever......