Right then, back from Mexico. Here are the reports:
Day 1. San Diego and cruise launch:
So then, the day of our cruise to Mexico.
We had to drive a couple of hours to San Diego (which in German, means “A whale’s vagina”). The drive was pretty cool, It’s amazing how quickly time goes when you’re not in your own country with the miserable weather bringing you down. The weather was much more like Southern Cali weather, in the mid 70’s and was lovely.
Sadly, the highlight of the freeway journey for me was seeing a big yellow Hummer..no really, It was. I’ve always wanted to see one in real life. They’re not as gigantic as they look in films, but I think it’s safe to say that you wouldn’t want to play a head on game of chicken with one, not unless you were Ben Grimm from the Fantastic four anyway.
When we got to San Diego, we found a park and ride that we’d booked for the week. Four quid a day isn’t bad I guess. We had our luggage loaded onto the van by a pony tailed dude that looked like he had just stepped out of the Woodstock festival. His knowledge of the local breakfasts seemed to be almost encyclopedic. Now the reason he had been asked about this, was that there was a highly intelligent guy sat next to him along with several others that were going on the cruise. He was to provide us with one of several highly amusing “American” moments that were to come.
The brainiac in the front passenger seat asked which park and ride lot we had come from. The ponytailed geezer told him that it was number 4. Holding his hand up, the Mensa candidate blurted “So that’s one hand, four fingers, without the thumb!”. Genius.
Shortly after, the nobel prize laureate in the back seat inquired for directions on how to get to the car park that he had already successfully navigated his way to, and that we had just left.
We got dropped off at the check in and after being ****ed about by a couple of clueless buggers that didn’t actually know where we were supposed to be going, we got our baggage onto a cart and into the ship. When we went to check in, we were stood in a queue of people. I looked behind me, and there was a young boy in a sailors hat. “Alright, Sailor!” I chirped at him. “How did you know his name” said his confused Mother. His father then confirmed that it was in fact his name. Having gotten over the fact that someone would actually name their son that and not expect them to be beaten daily at school, I asked them if they wanted me to do any more psychic stuff for 5 bucks a pop.
As we were waiting in line to check in, I decided to nip off to use the toilet. As I was in there, A guy was holding his dick in one hand, and his mobile in the other. Talking about doing deals on the stock market. I guess business doesn’t even wait for the call of nature. He should be careful though, his train of thought might wander one day and he might end up buying into a different kind of flotation.
We smuggled our sandwiches and Budweiser on board and sat in our State room, waiting for the boat to sail.
There was no way we were going to be allowed to get away with that though, and an announcement came over the tannoy that in 15 minutes time, there would be a practice drill for emergency evacuation. We were instructed that we would need to don our life jackets, which I found difficult to the point where I would probably have drowned if it had been a real emergency. We all waddled down the aisles like embarrassed florescent orange penguins and mustered at our, erm...muster point. We were then lined up outside under the lifeboats and suffered the ignominy of the occupants of the cruise ship opposite laughing and taking photos of us all lined up like berks. marvelous.
We headed out of port and the band started playing on the top deck. It was pretty special, and San Diego looked spectacular at night as we drifted slowly away from it.
We got a beer and a bite to eat, then started to explore the ship and its facilities. You can imagine how happy I was when I came across an old skool Galaga and Pac Man machine in the arcade, I envisage spending many happy, ****ed up hours there growling at annoying American children. Superb!
The rest of the ship is spectacular, with a Casino, Theatre, Cinema, Library, online access, a Bank, Gymnasium, Spa, massage centre, hairdressers and more bars and restaurants than you can shake a stick at. Quite mind boggling, and I simply cannot imagine the level of logistics involved in keeping this thing stocked up and maintained.
We got an idea of just what is involved in running a ship like this when we went to dinner that evening. Each couple that walked through the door was assigned a steward to escort them to their table, and there were waiters of all different types running around in a barely synchronized ballet, with trays just missing heads left right and centre.
Unfortunately, we managed to be seated on a table next to Mr and Mrs. Snoozington, from Dullsville, America. The conversation with our wine waiter was far more stimulating, and Amy and I indulged in a little game that we created, whereby we have to guess the sexual preferences of a certain individual. We labeled this pastime “RUG”
Antonio, our wine waiter was, let’s say...very enthusiastic, with a superbly maintained mustache. For me, the mustache was reason enough to give him a resounding yes vote in the RUG game, Amy wasn’t so sure. She also wasn’t certain what his accent was, so I told her that he was from Portugal. “Are you sure ?”, said Amy with a surprised look on her grill. “Why don’t you ask him?” I said, and bet her the cost of the expensive bottle of wine that I was right.
It was only as the words slipped from her mouth that she instantly noticed his name badge, with “Portugal” in large black letters underneath it. HA!, Hilarious!...chalk one up to the Otei.
We went back to the cabin, but before we did, Amy wanted to go and have a look outside. We peered over the side and I instantly felt really weird, just looking at the dark, brooding expanse of open ocean. Hmmm, chalk one up to the Sea. I went to sleep.