[mogwai]

Hangover Ratings


1 star hangover

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your
own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic
cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the
energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still
feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag
of fries.


2 star hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental
capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a
full English breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office,
you are costing your employer valuable money because
all you really can handle is some light filing,
followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk
e-mails.


3 star hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels ****. You are
definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the
perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots
you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer
kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed
with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6
chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you
haven't peed once.





4 star hangover

You have lost the will to live. Your head is
throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you
might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you
can't hide the fact that you (depending on your
gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
or, it looks like you put your make-up on while
riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your
eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes
you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa
1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone,
or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have
gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking
past them.


5 star hangover

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making
you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so
your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of
moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't
even get mad at you and your co-workers think that
your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because, let's face it, all
you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.


6 star hangover

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the
way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside
your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off
and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is
in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating
walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the
toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid
before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole
house up with your impersonation of walrus mating
calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling
the only friend in the world you have left (the
toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at
this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back
to bed leaving you there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but
your body won't relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn
yourself inside out and swear that you saw your
tonsils shoot out of your mouth on the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed
with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower
in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that
might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for
the next two or three hours at least you might even
succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six
star hangover!!

Thought so!!