[Otei]

PART 1 (yes, it's going to be stupidly long!)


"What's that coming over the hill, is it a Monster?"

So sang the automatic pop group type people, and mainly, they were correct, it was a Monster, and sometimes there was an SS as well!

It might not have been that way though. Everyone is aware of the calamity that was Oulton park where the bike packed up in both races with what seemed like a fuel problem, and following that meeting Chris P tried all he could think of to make sure it never happened again (whilst I was away on holiday, ahem..cheers dude!).

This included taking off the fuel pump relay and riding his wife's Monster to Cadwell and back. No problem. He then took my tank off and put it on Cathy's Monster before riding to Mansfield. He laid a small egg in his undercrackers when he realised that he had forgoten the petrol tank key and couldn't fill up again, but somehow, he made it all the way home again. That seemed to rule out the fact that we'd run out of fuel. Either that or a bit of nervous wee had seeped into the tank from Chris' leathers and diluted what was already there.

A cursory examination of the breather pipe revealed that it had been badly crushed, and Dr Pullen summised that it was being squashed when I sat on it (I don't THINK he was calling me fat). Seemed plausible, so he fixed it and we figured that was it.

I rolled up to Cadwell with Chris and my Dad on the 28th (the day after we got back from holiday) and set off on the first of my testing laps. I reached Chris curve and.......Braaaaaggggghhhh!...it died again. I broke the Cadwell record for the most cuss words said between Chris curve and the marshalls post and parked up. I wasn't too far from the paddock, so I decided to ride it back. I struck it up (as I knew it would start again) but when I clunked it into gear, it died. This was good news, as it meant we could start tracing things.

A phonecall to Nelly suggested a couple of things, but we decided to truck back to Lincoln and go to Italia Moto. Whilst there, longhaired colostomy bag model, Lee was running around stressing and squealing that we couldn't do anything about it that day cos they were busy and blah blah blah. Steve ignored him, came outside, suggested we short the neutral light sensor, and hey presto, it was fixed! Back to Cadwell at warp factor Citroen (which is about 55mph) and I made it out in a session before lunch. Madness.

Long story short, good testing session, overtook Simon Andrews who was out testing a Kawasaki (ok, it was a GPZ 900 circa the cretacious period, for a magazine shoot) set some 1:49's and had a good look at a mad bloke on an old Z thou' that he rode like a filthy Mexican drug runner. Left feeling quite confident.

Me and that Nottingham Gunrunner, Andy Sheppard (makes out he deals in alarms..pffft!) had arranged to have a bit of a shindig on the Saturday night in memory of Grib, so there was plenty to arrange, but it all came together very easily, which was something of a shock to the system. No-one was electrocuted, lost a toenail, slipped on a banana or bit their own tongue. It really was a surprise.

I arrived on the Friday and Matt T was blatting around on the lovely looking 748 that he'd been working on for sometime. It then tried to make a dash for the tyres at the end of Park straight in one session, then did a remarkably lifelike impersonation of a petrified squid when it opened a hole in the crankcase and squirted oil at him. As upset as he was, he'd have gone home and smoked crack instead, if he realised what other traumas were set to test his resolve over the rest of the weekend.

I had decided to race on both Saturday and Sunday, so as not to let Shep gain any advantage over me with the extra racing practice, and so it was that we rolled up for qualifying. It was a little damp still, but the fact that we've mostly been late to qualify, late to race and late to get home was a slight advantage this time as it gave the other guys time to dry the track for us.

I went out and was determined to get pole, but my visor was misting up quite badly and everytime I passed Chris P on the pit wall it looked like I was trying to get a stray hornet from inside my lid, opening and closing my visor like a demented zippy puppet. I'd set some decent laps, then I decided to get my head down and go for it, checking over my shoulder to see if I had a gap on Shep. It was fortunate that I did this, as my lid nearly blew off my head, and I realsied that my helmet strap wasn't secured, even though I had checked it a billion times in the holding bay. I had to pull in and ended up 3rd, but still on the front row with the new 3 to a row layout for the grid. Shame.

Race one came round and I got my usual flying Otei start. This time though, I caught Shep doing a gargantuan wheelie out of my peripheral vision and spent the next lap wondering several things at once...did he flip it, was he run over, will they red flag it, can you get a girl pregnant if you make her smell your feet?

As it turned out, Couchie had been advising Shep on wheelies, maintaining that you absolutely should not even think about putting it down until you had the clocks staring you in the kisser. Shep misinterpreted this to mean staring you in the kisser when you're flat on your back, and was very lucky (and thankful) not to be run over. Me being the mercenary little toerag that I am breathed a sigh of relief when I realised they'd got his blue, new clutch havin' carcase off the grid and I could run away from Sam West.

And strangely enough, run away was what I did, pulling about a second a lap until Sam was struck in the side of the head by some Chavs throwing Burberry caps and breast pumps at him through Hall bends. Not one to turn down a free bit of headwear and a midday snack, he bailed out.

Will Charters had a fall coming into the mountain and cemented his dislike of Cadwell with a big hole in his elbow and the arm of his leathers soaked in claret. Lovely.

It was nice to win comfortably, and I'd put in a decent 1:46 lap, so I knew I was running a good pace. Bring on race 2.

Race 2 it rained, I'm a fag in the wet (although I'll do it if I need to, got 2nd at Cadders in the wet last year) and decided to concentrate on that nights party and the next days championship race showdown.

It was great to watch the second race though, as Matt T put on a great riding display, only to be thwarted by Shep and Sam, riding really well in the changable conditions. If it had stayed wet, I'd have put my money on ol slipper for the win.

Part 2 to follow.