[mogwai]

Fergie starts his psychological games early, claiming the title is now
Chelsea’s to lose. In mid August.

Norwich will be top by the end of August. A grinning Ray Stubbs will ask
the Norwich MD, “What are you putting in the pies Delia?”

Norwich will be rooted to the bottom by October. It turns out, Delia was
putting horse tranquiliser in the pies.

BBC producers decide to liven up Match of the Day by bringing back ITV’s
Tactics Truck. Driven by WBA’s Lee Hughes.

A Premiership manager will be sacked during September. The chairman will
make it known he wants to talk to Martin O’Neill about the vacant
position.

But what he won’t tell the fans is he just wants to ask O’Neill for John
Gregory or George Graham’s phone number.

A Londoner names his baby son after the entire Crystal Palace team.
‘Relegation Fodder Thomson’ faces a life of misery.

Garth Crooks finally finishes one of his questions from the Euro 2004
press conference.

Mark Viduka scores on his Boro debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and
pledges that he “loves this club.”

Two weeks into the season, Harry Redknapp claims, “We’re down to the
bare bones.”

Arsene Wenger doesn’t see any of the 48 red card incidents his players
are involved in. Including Patrick Vieira’s drive-by shooting of Harry
Kewell.

But he spots the ‘funny look’ Roy Keane gave Freddie Ljunberg and lodges
an official complaint to the FA.

Newcastle are involved in a new roasting scandal. But Kieran Dyer claims
he was nowhere near the canteen when the potatoes weren’t properly
basted.

Crystal Palace win a £10 million sponsorship deal as Iain Dowie becomes
the new face of Laboratorie Garnier

After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka claims his
family are unsettled in Teeside.

Des Lynam is forced to try and look happy presenting ‘You’ve Been
Framed’.

Wayne Rooney is pictured throwing a wobbly in Dixons, prompting the
headline, ‘It’s Wayne Looney!’

Mark Viduka issues, not so much a ‘come and get me’ plea, more a ‘get me
out of this sh*thole’ request.

David James is spotted wearing the puzzled expression of a dog trying to
work out how to use a laptop as the ball nestles in the net behind him.

Wayne Rooney is pictured baring his arse at Liverpool fans, prompting
the headline, “It’s Wayne Mooney!”

Steve McClaren finally finishes that book he’s been seen writing during
every Middlesboro match.

Ruud van Nistlerooy suffers a foot injury and is forced to be re-shod.

Wayne Rooney is pictured attempting to DJ in a nightclub, prompting the
headline, “It’s Wayne Spooney!”

Peter Schmeichel finally manages to finish a sentence.

On loan to Bolton, Mark Viduka scores on his debut, kisses the badge on
his shirt and pledges that he “loves this club.”

Roman Abramovich continues to bid for anything that’s Italian and pacey.
Forcing Thierry Henry to accept a £4million bid for his wife’s knackered
Fiat Punto.

After manager Santini is sacked, Spurs appoint yet another experienced
caretaker until the end of the season. Hong Kong Phooey.

The incident the tabloids have waited for. A Geordie psycho attacks
Wayne Rooney with an item of cutlery, prompting the headline, “Toon Loon
in Roon Spoon Fume!”

After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka goes AWOL
from Bolton.

Having seen neighbour’s Chelsea’s bank balance, Fulham launch a new away
strip - ‘green with envy’.

Nicolas Anelka misses two games because of a troublesome calf. It
refuses to leave his hotel room in the morning.

Despite a 10 match losing streak, West Brom are tipped to stay in the
Premiership for three more seasons. Autumn, Winter and Spring.

Roman Abramovich starts to collect players like they were Panini
stickers. Offering Arsenal “two Joe Coles” for Patrick Vieira.

Mark Viduka claims the alternator on his club BMW is a bit dicky and he
may be forced to move clubs to get it fixed.

Southampton are the latest club to be hit by a sex scandal. Striker
Brett Omerod is accused of a one in a bed romp.

At the Liverpool Christmas party, Phil Thompson arrives dressed as a
pumpkin. But come midnight he still hasn't turned into a coach.

CCTV footage captures Roy Keane ringing an old lady’s doorbell then
running away. An FA spokesman said, “This is just the sort of behaviour
schoolkids are likely to copy.”

Southampton are without beanpole striker Peter Crouch for two months
after the lanky streak of **** strikes a low bridge.

Crystal Palace copy the Greek defensive system, appointing ex City coach
Willie Donachie and Phil Babb just so they can boast a Donachie Babb
combination.



A shocking off the field incident cuts short Robbie Savage’s career in
top flight football. He’s transferred to Charlton.

Before the Manchester derby, Rio Ferdinand refuses a cortisone
injection, claiming that he’s had enough of Italian motors.

Blackburn manager Graeme Souness claims he’s happy with the four draws
his club got over the Xmas period. They’re from Ikea and fit snugly
under his desk.

Newcastle’s plan to launch a stamp with Lee Bowyer’s head on the front
was axed when officials feared people would spit on the wrong side.

Gerard Houllier admits to being involved in transfer fraud. “It’s true,”
said Houllier, “”I did get Birmingham to pay £6million for Emile
Heskey.”

The mystery of the huge crop circles discovered at Fratton Park is
solved when they were found to match the exact turning circle of David
Unsworth.

WBA look set to land their first big name foreign signing. They close in
on Arabian striker Prince Faizal Mohammed bin Maktoum al Shamir bin
Sayeed.

Les Ferdinand falls out with the Bolton groundsman after his lack of
pace causes him to leave a glistening slug-like trail across the pitch.

Liverpool’s new Frenchman Djibel Cisse is forced to give up his hobby of
pheasant shooting after complaining that the game over here moves too
fast for him.

Fulham propose to change their club badge to a 3-pin electric plug. The
club said it would more accurately represent the electric atmosphere at
Craven Cottage.

Pompey keeper Shaka Hislop installs an answerphone on his six yard line
with the message, “Sorry I’m not in but leave the ball in the back of
the net and I’ll get back to you.”

On Breakfast with Frost, Arsene Wenger is asked what he thinks of De
Gaulle? “It was definitely offside,” replies Wenger.

Gay fans vote Steve Bruce as the Premiership’s sexiest manager. Nobody
tells Steve it’s because he’s got a face like an arse.

WBA revealed that their attendance figures have exactly doubled. Things
are expected to return to normal as soon as Gary Megson’s touchline ban
is over.

Man United launch a fifth away kit made entirely of Velcro. It’s called
‘the rip-off’.

Sir Bobby Robson finally turns into Ron Manager, answering Garth Crooks,
“Offside? Wasn’t it? Isn’t it? Pundits for goalposts. Ooh marvellous.”

More bad news for Rio Ferdinand as thieves steal his prized collection
of books. Worse, he hadn’t even finished colouring half of them.

Everton supremo and theatrical luvvie Bill Kenwright finally manages to
give an interview without looking like he’s about to burst into tears.

After Gadafy fails to buy Palace, another feared and bearded mad
dictator tries to buy Arsenal. Luckily the Gunners turn down Ken Bates’
offer.

Bin Laden attempts to get his hands on a weapon of mass destruction. But
United inform him Roy Keane is not for sale.

Barry Davies quotes Shakespeare or Chaucer during at least one
particularly gritty encounter.

After Bolton scrape three away draws, Sam Allardyce is touted as the
next England manager.

Cash strapped Everton are forced into a player clearout with a ‘Buy one,
get Duncan Ferguson free’ offer.

Man United’s Alan Smith is offered a box for life at Leeds. But turns it
down because he doesn’t like the handles.

It’s revealed that Graeme Souness and Mark Lawrenson’s missing
moustaches have set up a love nest in Liverpool and are trying for a
beard.

After being advised to try computer dating, Rio Ferdinand is spotted in
Chinawhite with a shapely Apple Mac.

Graham Poll is caught licking his own reflection in his dressing room
mirror.

The opposition are awarded a penalty at Old Trafford. No, hang on. That
really is a bit far fetched.