[Ian]

"I cant find it" - It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so i've given up looking for it.

"Thats women's work" - Its dirty, difficult and thankless work.

"Will you marry me?" - Both of my flat mates have moved out, I cant work the washing machine and I've run out of peanut butter.

"it's a bloke thing" - There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and there is no chance at all of making it logical.

"Can i help with dinner?" - Why isn't it already on the table?

"It would take too long to explain!" - I have no idea how it works.

"I am getting more excercise lately!" - The tv remote control is busted.

"We are going to be late" - Now i have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

"Take a break darling you are working too hard" - I cant hear the tv over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting dear" - Are you still talking?

"Sweetheart we don't need material things to prove our love!" - I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much of me" - You want me to stay awake.

"Its a really good film!" - It's full of explosions, fast cars/bikes and naked women.

"You know how bad my memory is" - I remember all the words to born to be wild, the name of the first girl I kissed, the number plate of every vehicle i've ever owned but i forgot your birthday.

"I was just thinking about you , and got you these roses" - The girl selling them was a real babe and was wearing a thong.

"I do help around the house" - I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.

"What did i do this time?" - What did you catch me doing?

"You look really terrific in that outfit!" - Please don't try anymore on as i'm starving and there is a good film on soon.

"I missed you!" - I have run out of clean underwear, the kids are starving and we are out of toilet roll.

and another copy 'n'paste:

> 1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a
> "Cheers for the sex - now **** off" would pretty much do it.
>
> 2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
>
> 3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only
> occur in leap years.
>
> 4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
>
> 5. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
>
> 6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
>
> 7. Every woman under 30 that worked would have to do so topless.
>
> 8. Every man would get four, real, 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per
> year.
>
> 9. All telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
>
> 10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
> televised football, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the
> screen when the ball goes out of play
>
> 11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
> response to "I love you".
>
> 12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be boss of the
> company.
>
> 13. "Sorry, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable
> excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.
>
> 14. Lifeguards could remove females from beaches for violating the
> "Public Ugliness" law.
>
> 15. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
>
> 16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.
>
> 17. "Fancy a sh@g" would be the only chat up line in existence and it
> would work every time.
>
> 18. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that
> would be fined.
>
> 19. Dinner break would happen every hour.
>
> 20. Saying "Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your
> wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"
>
> 21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.
>
> 22. Everyone would own a real Lightsabre. Any disagreements would be
> settled with a fight to the death. (or the loss of a hand)
>
> 23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to
> the opposite sex.
>
> 24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd
> get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.
>