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  #21  
Old 01-Dec-2006, 02:26
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Day 3

The weather was much better today, so i decided to take the RSV for a Canyon run. The only problem was that Amy runs a race shift on her bikes, and had got some rearsets on the Aprilia that you couldn't just turn the linkage round on. So I found the original rearset for the gearshift side...which was in pieces, with the rod that keeps the footrest on the assembly missing. I bodged it together with various borrowed bits from other boxes, and generally made it ready to be ridden my a dopey Brit.



Now the driveway that leads to the main canyon road outside Amy's place is a bit of a dodgy affair, with sand and gravel mixed in large quantities and a nice uphill exit on a blind bend. I rolled up to the exit, gave the big twin a whiff of throttle, and promptly stalled it right in the middle of the road. EEEEEEEEEeeep! I thumbed the starter and wheelied it up the road in my haste to get out of the way of any traffic.

The Canyon roads are crazy, and to be honest, they're a bit much for a big bike with very worn tyres, so cornering wasn't the smoothest at times. The bloody great big orange blocks masqeurading as some sort of cat's eyes that stick up out of the road next to the centre lines weren't much help either and had the bike twitching about on more than one occasion.

I stopped off in Topanga itself on the way back and found a store that sold postcards. Having parked the Mille up at an eaterie, I sat and wrote a few out. The best one was to a mate called Steve, and it simply said "You're a girl, you're a girl, you're a great big girl...flip ya!" How's that for random? I then went to the post office and annoyed the woman behind the counter by paying for 6 stamps with a $50 note. I just informed her that I was a stupid tourist and she reached behind the counter, pulled out a Mack 10 and sprayed the whole of the post office interior with hot lead. Fortunately I had my trusty Roof lid in my hand and I was able to put it on and escape injury.Before I found the store with the postcards, I looked elsewhere. There was this guy in a little hippy gift shop, and when i asked if he had any postcards, you'd have thought I'd asked him for boil in the bag cat s h i t. I think he runs the restaurant next door that we're off to tonight, I hope he remembers me.



Amongst the hippy shops, spiritualist healers and yeti impersonators, I found a really cool little mountainbike shop. There was one bike that was so trick that I forgot to take a picture of it. I'll try and get one another day..It was Phat, er..yo!



There was a group of Mexican guys hanging outside this supermarket type dealio, and it was called "Abuellitas". Now as far as I recall, that means "Grandma" in Spanish, so I was surprised to find a bunch of Chinese guys running the place and this funky basketball lovers truck outside. It either basketball or Oranges...Hmmm!



Speaking of Mexico, we're off on a cruise around the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow, but I should be able to have internet access on the ship, just in case i find a Titty twister bar full of vampires in one of the ports we stop off at..because I just know you're gonna want to hear all about that!

Hasta la Vista, Gringo's,

Otei.

Last edited by Otei : 01-Dec-2006 at 02:34.
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  #22  
Old 01-Dec-2006, 18:03
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Turns out that I won't have internet access on the ship, so you may get a welcome break from my ramblings for a week....but only if I can't find an internet cafe...be warned!

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  #23  
Old 01-Dec-2006, 18:16
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Originally Posted by Otei
Turns out that I won't have internet access on the ship, so you may get a welcome break from my ramblings for a week...

Woooooooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank god for that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SmugBastidTei
.but only if I can't find an internet cafe...be warned!


Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite



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  #24  
Old 02-Dec-2006, 21:53
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Turns out that there is access on the ship, which is cool, but at 75 cents a minute, there's no way I'll be putting up huge reports, I'lll just write them on the PC and copy and paste them when I get back to Topanga.

It's been a weird one so far. There are very typical cruise people on board, and I think we'll have to use them to amuse ourselves if we're to survive the journey.

We're off to swim with Dolphins tomorrow, which should be awesome...I hope. I pray they don't just stick us in a swimming pool with some 900 year old, barnacle ridden old mullets.

No vampires as yet, only the ones that try to suck your mojo, like Dom...green eyed little turnip that he is !

I slept like a log last night, I haven't slept like that since I arrived in the States, but to be honest, It's been ok really.

Right then, must dash, I'll have lots of pix and stuff to post when I get back to the States.

Cheers,

Tim

P.S: Dom, eat my ass.
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  #25  
Old 03-Dec-2006, 13:41
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Originally Posted by Otei
I slept like a log last night

Wake up in the fireplace did we?

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Originally Posted by Pootei
P.S: Dom, eat my ass.

(((((((BIG HUGS!!!!!)))))))

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  #26  
Old 04-Dec-2006, 01:53
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Today was absolutley hilarious,

We weren't allowed to stroke the dolphins on the nose, but I accidentally ****ted one on it anyway. It didn't let me get away with it though, and it smacked me in the ******** with it's tail as it swam past. V funny.

Really cool day, got asked by so many "jewellery" sellers if we wanted weed, or cocaine. In the end we just told them that we had loads, said we were having a party, then invited them, It was hysterical to see their faces. This was after we'd had the biggest glass of Margherita you have ever seen in your life. We were hammered.

Can't wait for tomorrow.

Cheers,

Tim
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  #27  
Old 04-Dec-2006, 22:32
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OK,

So we found an internet cafe in Mazatlan. Not as huge Margheritas as in Cabo San Lucas, but ok nonetheless.

Went for a little taxicab ride with a guy named Gustavo, pretty cool guy, we went up to the lighthouse (too hot for climbing!) and then watched some ejit jump off a cliff into a few feet of water. Me and Amy are confident we could have done the same thing though, it wasnt that impressive. The best bit was buying a batman kite sort of thing. (Don´t ask, I´ll explain later, we´re both slightly toasted and looking for more booze as I speak..how´s my spelling?)

Have taken huge amounts of pix, there are some really cool buildings here, but its a strange mix of delapidated and rebuilt. We simply cannot work out why some of the buildings are in ruins and some are brand new right next door. The whole place must be going through a phase of money influx from tourism, but I thought Mazatlan had been a tourist spot for years. Weird.

Have some great stories to tell of capers on and off ship, but they´ll be relegated to my usually huge reports with pics that simply cannot fit on here, even at one dollar for an hour.

Tequila is a more important thing to find right now.

Adios,

Otei
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  #28  
Old 04-Dec-2006, 22:42
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Originally Posted by Otei
...I thought Matalan had been a tourist spot for years. Weird.

I thought it was an inexpensive clothing boutique!!

You poor northerners are easily pleased. Tourist spot my arse!



Quote:
Originally Posted by OteiShmotei
Adios,

Otei

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  #29  
Old 11-Dec-2006, 20:54
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Right then, back from Mexico. Here are the reports:

Day 1. San Diego and cruise launch:

So then, the day of our cruise to Mexico.

We had to drive a couple of hours to San Diego (which in German, means “A whale’s vagina”). The drive was pretty cool, It’s amazing how quickly time goes when you’re not in your own country with the miserable weather bringing you down. The weather was much more like Southern Cali weather, in the mid 70’s and was lovely.

Sadly, the highlight of the freeway journey for me was seeing a big yellow Hummer..no really, It was. I’ve always wanted to see one in real life. They’re not as gigantic as they look in films, but I think it’s safe to say that you wouldn’t want to play a head on game of chicken with one, not unless you were Ben Grimm from the Fantastic four anyway.



When we got to San Diego, we found a park and ride that we’d booked for the week. Four quid a day isn’t bad I guess. We had our luggage loaded onto the van by a pony tailed dude that looked like he had just stepped out of the Woodstock festival. His knowledge of the local breakfasts seemed to be almost encyclopedic. Now the reason he had been asked about this, was that there was a highly intelligent guy sat next to him along with several others that were going on the cruise. He was to provide us with one of several highly amusing “American” moments that were to come.

The brainiac in the front passenger seat asked which park and ride lot we had come from. The ponytailed geezer told him that it was number 4. Holding his hand up, the Mensa candidate blurted “So that’s one hand, four fingers, without the thumb!”. Genius.

Shortly after, the nobel prize laureate in the back seat inquired for directions on how to get to the car park that he had already successfully navigated his way to, and that we had just left.

We got dropped off at the check in and after being ****ed about by a couple of clueless buggers that didn’t actually know where we were supposed to be going, we got our baggage onto a cart and into the ship. When we went to check in, we were stood in a queue of people. I looked behind me, and there was a young boy in a sailors hat. “Alright, Sailor!” I chirped at him. “How did you know his name” said his confused Mother. His father then confirmed that it was in fact his name. Having gotten over the fact that someone would actually name their son that and not expect them to be beaten daily at school, I asked them if they wanted me to do any more psychic stuff for 5 bucks a pop.



As we were waiting in line to check in, I decided to nip off to use the toilet. As I was in there, A guy was holding his dick in one hand, and his mobile in the other. Talking about doing deals on the stock market. I guess business doesn’t even wait for the call of nature. He should be careful though, his train of thought might wander one day and he might end up buying into a different kind of flotation.

We smuggled our sandwiches and Budweiser on board and sat in our State room, waiting for the boat to sail.

There was no way we were going to be allowed to get away with that though, and an announcement came over the tannoy that in 15 minutes time, there would be a practice drill for emergency evacuation. We were instructed that we would need to don our life jackets, which I found difficult to the point where I would probably have drowned if it had been a real emergency. We all waddled down the aisles like embarrassed florescent orange penguins and mustered at our, erm...muster point. We were then lined up outside under the lifeboats and suffered the ignominy of the occupants of the cruise ship opposite laughing and taking photos of us all lined up like berks. marvelous.



We headed out of port and the band started playing on the top deck. It was pretty special, and San Diego looked spectacular at night as we drifted slowly away from it.

We got a beer and a bite to eat, then started to explore the ship and its facilities. You can imagine how happy I was when I came across an old skool Galaga and Pac Man machine in the arcade, I envisage spending many happy, ****ed up hours there growling at annoying American children. Superb!

The rest of the ship is spectacular, with a Casino, Theatre, Cinema, Library, online access, a Bank, Gymnasium, Spa, massage centre, hairdressers and more bars and restaurants than you can shake a stick at. Quite mind boggling, and I simply cannot imagine the level of logistics involved in keeping this thing stocked up and maintained.



We got an idea of just what is involved in running a ship like this when we went to dinner that evening. Each couple that walked through the door was assigned a steward to escort them to their table, and there were waiters of all different types running around in a barely synchronized ballet, with trays just missing heads left right and centre.

Unfortunately, we managed to be seated on a table next to Mr and Mrs. Snoozington, from Dullsville, America. The conversation with our wine waiter was far more stimulating, and Amy and I indulged in a little game that we created, whereby we have to guess the sexual preferences of a certain individual. We labeled this pastime “RUG”

Antonio, our wine waiter was, let’s say...very enthusiastic, with a superbly maintained mustache. For me, the mustache was reason enough to give him a resounding yes vote in the RUG game, Amy wasn’t so sure. She also wasn’t certain what his accent was, so I told her that he was from Portugal. “Are you sure ?”, said Amy with a surprised look on her grill. “Why don’t you ask him?” I said, and bet her the cost of the expensive bottle of wine that I was right.

It was only as the words slipped from her mouth that she instantly noticed his name badge, with “Portugal” in large black letters underneath it. HA!, Hilarious!...chalk one up to the Otei.



We went back to the cabin, but before we did, Amy wanted to go and have a look outside. We peered over the side and I instantly felt really weird, just looking at the dark, brooding expanse of open ocean. Hmmm, chalk one up to the Sea. I went to sleep.
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  #30  
Old 11-Dec-2006, 21:05
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Day 2: At Sea.

I can’t believe how much I slept, the weird couple at the dinner table must have slipped something in my wine, or maybe there was something in the revolting orange and apple soup that they mistakenly served me.

Whatever the case, I woke up at 10:30, which was effectively 9:30 as we had moved our clocks forward an hour to take the time zone into account.

Food is served all day long here, and considering that, I’m surprised that there aren’t more of the overly obese Yanks that you tend to see so much of. Still, there’s plenty of time for that to happen. Maybe this is where fat Americans are created, on a floating Calorie farm in the Pacific Ocean.

It’s easy to get disoriented when you’re at sea and on such a huge ship, even for an experienced Mariner like myself (I once owned an inflatable Dinghy on holiday in Malta, when I was aged 4). I woke up, looked out of the cabin window and said to Amy, Wow, with the effect of the water turbulence, it feels like we’re going sideways. “No sweetie”, she replied, “we’re at the Butt of the boat”, and so we were...Doh!



We stepped out for breakfast as I was still waking up and joined the line of people spoiled for choice as to their brekky. I decided to have some scrambled eggs and bacon, and some fresh fruit. Amy thought the scrambled eggs were cheese potatoes, but then she’s not very bright.



We went downstairs and I logged on to the internet, only to find Dom being his usual facetious little self on the DD forum, but put it down to immense jealousy and carried on regardless. we checked out the cigarettes, which worked out at an unbelievable eight quid for 200. I haven’t made my mind up yet whether to bring any back, as I’ll get taxed on them if I get searched and it might not be worthwhile. Whatever, I don’t smoke anyway.



After a difficult bit of self motivation, we went to the gym. It seemed just like normal, as there was the same equipment that i use at home. The weirder thing, was that when i’m using the cross trainers in my local gym, the swimming pool is directly below and in front of me through the glass windows. The swimming pool was somewhat larger this time, and contained whales and dolphins. It didn’t seem quite right that I was moving in a forwards motion, but that the vessel was plowing along to the left. Very Odd.



We went to dinner again (this time it was formal night and time to dress like gangsters!), and sure enough, we were seated next to the dull couple again. We had already devised a cunning plan to amuse ourselves by pretending to be Alpaca farmers, and listing a host of disgusting facts about these camel/llama looking critters, including the fact that their hooves were used in the very desert that one or both of them might be eating. Tragically, they both came out of their shells and proved to be decent enough, if not scintillating characters. Therefore, the Alpaca story was put on hold.



We got a little toasted and had our pictures taken by a South African photographer who was a pretty cool guy, and seemed to know what he was doing..to the point of arranging us so that you couldn’t see where Amy had spilled salmon down her dress, the klutz.

We retired to the cabin to catch some zeds, but were awoken at around 1 am by what surely must have been the back of the boat disintegrating. We absolutely shat ourselves, but I have to say that I was out of bed so fast and ready to get into a life jacket, that my previously awful practice attempt at saving my own skin seemed like a distant memory. After half an hour or so, our heart rates slowed below 150 and we managed to get to sleep, after all, there were dolphins awaiting our arrival in Cabo San Lucas in a few hours time.
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