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Otei 28-Nov-2006 17:45

Timmy Topanga: Otei's So-Cal Adventure.
 



Well I'm finally here. After a lengthy 11 Hour flight that included the weird sensation of chasing the sunset across the timezones, demonstrated by the photo above, I arrived at LAX.

The first thing that struck me was how friendly and efficient the airport check in staff are compared to the sour faced majority at Heathrow, asking you if you were ok, and generally having a very pleasant demeanour. Bear in mind that this is a country that has more reason than any other to be highly suspicious of anyone stepping on or off of a plane!

Amy drove me home to Topanga in her rather large Toyota Tacoma truck at about 90mph, bumper to bumper with all of the other crazy dudes in L.A



It was dark when we got through the driveway, but the Eucalyptus trees could be smelt as we drove up to the apartment. Topanga is a real hippy canyon area that has quite a history of being home to musicians and artists and all sorts of freaky beatnik types ,daddio. Jim Morrison of The doors fame used to jam here maaaaan!...far out.

I had done my best to try and stay awake on the flight, watching loads of movies from the huge choice that Virgin Atlantic offer (great airline) and only nodded off for about half an hour. When I finally got to bed, it was pretty much like my normal bedtime of 12 midnight, but in Uk time, I'd been up for 24 hours. I was still buzzin' though and demanded to go and get a Taco bell and a huge 40 oz beer, as it was someting I'd wanted to try for ages.

we stopped at a gas station to fill up the truck and a woman pulled up in a black VW beetle of the modern shaped variety. I swear she'd had her hair cut to match the car, shaved down the sides and back with a big bubble of jet black hair on top. I didn't have the balls to take a pic, she looked like she had the propensity to carry dirty Harry's Magnum in her purse. V.Funny.

When I woke up this morning, I got quite a view. The views out of the apartment are lovely, and there are some of the hugest, spiky, alien lookin' plantlife you ever did see. The bloke upstairs has hummingbird feeders hanging on his veranda, I kid you not!



View up the driveway through the Eucalyptus trees.



We'll be taking Amy's R6 that I'll be riding to the bike shop to have some suspension and brakes work done on it today, then to be honest I don't know what we'll be getting up to as she has to go to work at some point, but there's certainly no shortage of stuff to do.

I think I'll borrow her RSV Mille and check out the canyon roads. WOOOT!

Take it easy peeps, I'll update as soon as I can.

Otei.

domski 28-Nov-2006 17:50

****!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

;)

RD 28-Nov-2006 18:13

you can really go off some people can't ya

TP 28-Nov-2006 21:00

Tim, all I have to say is ... you're short and your breath stinks ... or something.

Jammy mutha(*&^£(%*^)($£*^09*^£($*^%£(*^%)(^£)*^%£)*£^%w "^%"(*&£*&$%)£()^^%(w$£)"&^$_(£"&%_£"($^_%(*^"%_(* "^+$"^_(*^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonio600 28-Nov-2006 21:17

So you're off to the States to have an R6 set up? I don't get it :lol:

Otei 28-Nov-2006 21:41

Yeah, It's a long way to come to get some suspension work, but you have to justify it to the accountants somehow! ;)

We were in the shop, and there was this hispanic looking guy talking to the shop owner, Andy. Andy was blathering on about how they'd sorted his footrests and stuff so that he was comfortable, and that he'd be doing at least 100mph when he went off the cliff.

I had a little giggle until they started talking about his parachute getting in the way.....

Turns out he's some sort of stuntrider (one whose been eating too many mexican disco beans i think) and that he IS going to ride his bike off a cliff and jump off with his parachute for some sort of video.

This is my first day here ferchrissakkes!

:lol: :lol:

Grib 29-Nov-2006 16:49

You lucky, lucky sod, I'm soooo jealous :( Go ride the roads round there, we had an amazing day out, haeding off from a mates in Van Nuys, we went up 'Stunt Road', eventually ending up down on the coast at a fantastic sea food place :) Go to 'The Rock Store' over the weekend too if you're nearby, great bike meet and Jay Leno tends to turn up in one of his strange vehicles.
'Tis a fantastic place, try not to have too much fun ;)

domski 29-Nov-2006 17:01

I got to Skype to the Otter (private joke) this afternoon, and just when you thought you couldn't dislike ('be jealous of') him any less - I discovered you can!!

Sounds like the bastid is loving it - git!

Going out on Amy's RSV today to 'survey' the local area.

Anyway I won't spoil it for him, I'll let him keep us up to date with his little adventure.

Otei, you smell!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Otei 29-Nov-2006 18:55

Grib,

Tooooooo weird, I have literally, and I do mean literally just come back from driving around the area(took the truck as it really was too windy for the bike today), and stopped off at that very point where the bikes are parked up in your pic, just off Stunt Rd. I even took a pic of the sign. I'll post some stuff up ina bit when I've uploaded the pics.

Dom,

Was good to talk to ya mate, seriously! ;)

AK 29-Nov-2006 18:59

tim

just shut up:mad:

we aint missing you

not at all:p

Otei 29-Nov-2006 19:40

So then, day 2.

Well actually, day 1 wasn't quite over when I finished my last report. I'd been working on Amy's CBR 400 all day (exaggeration, more like a couple of hours) and also helped the new neighbour, Del move in. Del is a middle aged woman, and didn't turn up in a bright yellow Robin Reliant trying to sell me knock off plates from the Royal wedding of 1981.

Now there is a serious amount of steep steps to negotiate to get to the apartments, and after a singular trip up the steps, poor Del looked knackered. So I downed tools and helped her carry all of her belongings up the stairs, further enhancing the smooth, gentlemanly nature of the British bloke along the way!

Later that evening, as I was boasting to myself and the cats that jet lag was all bullcheese and that I was fine, I woke up having lost a good hour and a half of time. Amy returned from work and refused to believe that the reason for that was that I'd been abducted by Aliens (although we both saw something very strange along those lines on the way back from LAX that freaked us out a touch).

Thinking that I was going to just continue my sleepyness was a mikstake. Amy cajoled me into taking a night cruise on Mulholland drive, as it was a clear (but cold) night, and you'd be able to se the city really clearly. So I tried not to fall down the steep steps and we hightailed it into the L.A night.

I simply cannot tell you how mind bogglingly gigantic this place is. It just goes on forever, and the view over Hollywood and the surrounding areas was breathtaking. The night pics don't really do it justice, but it was pretty cool, trusrt me.



Huuuuuuuuuge!!!




Whaaat?..who, why?..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!


Day 2. Wednesday 29th Nov.

Woke up pretty early, and Amy had to go off to work, so I had a good chinwag on Skype with Dom, which was cool.

It was seriously, seriously windy..and I was beginning to wonder if a tornado would pop up outside the window. stupid I know, because it isn't this part of the U.S that gets them. It just turned so quickly that it really seemed that way.

After a bit, Amy turned up at the house looking all stressed out. Turned out that traffic was so bad that she'd given up, and would go to work later. Definitley the worst thing about L.A.

In the meantime, we decided to take a drive out on some of the canyon roads, including the brilliantly named Stunt Rd that Grib mentioned earlier, which must be where that crazy Hispanic dude lives. He's certainly got a large selection of cliffs to ride off if that's his gameplan.



I drove as we were rounding the twisty canyon roads, and once Amy had assured herself that I was a decent enough driver not to have us off the edge of a cliff (at least not without borrowing some Mexican parachutes from the jumping beaner first), then she relaxed and started to take some video footage. I'm hoping to have some of this up online soon, along with her narrative that says "Timmy is obviously getting more confident, 'cos we're goin' a damn sight faster now!". He He!

It was all I could do to stand up straight for the pics to be taken, but I stood there like a trooper and put up with the dull views over Simi valey on one side, and the pacific on the other. So tedious.



"My balls are freezing, hurry up!" This is stood in the exact spot that Grib's pic was taken bythe way!





View of the Pacific Ocean. Awesome.


I don't think I'll get up to much today. I was gonna take the RSV out, but the wind is awful, and it blows lots of debris onto the roads apparently, so I'll leave that for another day.

Toodle pip,

Otei.

domski 29-Nov-2006 19:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otei
Huuuuuuuuuge!!!



A huge ****!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

I definately USED to like you ;)

domski 29-Nov-2006 19:54

Oh, and I suppose I had better say... I hope you're having a nice time - I'm so happy for you etc blah

;)

Otei 29-Nov-2006 20:05

Quote:

I had better say... I hope you're having a nice time - I'm so happy for you

Try not to get a haemoroid (how DO you spell that?) whilst you're straining to say that through gritted teeth though.

:D

trouty 30-Nov-2006 00:18



i think ur telling porkies... thats Canary Wharf dude... look! theres my office!

couchcommando 30-Nov-2006 12:19

Stunt Road, that's one of the roads we rode up in March as you know when the locals leant us a bike and took us for a ride in the hills ;)

TBH the place is awesome and the locals are great people.

If you're anywhere near the Suzuki Dealer in Van Nuys go say hello to Pra he was one of the guys who looked after us so well :), owns the place rides a Busa.

Grib 30-Nov-2006 12:32

We killed a squirrell on Stunt Road, the might of the SV1000 with us two lumps on board was too much for it, is it's little, squished body still there? :(

Otei 30-Nov-2006 15:53

A squished squirrel?

Oh, you mean Nutty McNuts, the stunt squirrel. You didn't kill him. As it turns out, you did him a favour.

After his close encounter with your SV, he realised that he was very much cut out for a life of danger and intrigue. David Hasselhoff hooked him up with a Moldavian circus troupe, and he's achieved such fame for his legendary stunting, that they've even given him his own game. Check it out:

http://cybergamez.us/freeonlinegames/nuttymcnuts.htm

Otei 30-Nov-2006 15:59

Quote:

i think ur telling porkies... thats Canary Wharf dude... look! theres my office!

There's nothing that gets past you is there troutster!

I admit it..it's true.

The other pics are skegness and Hull.

Grib 30-Nov-2006 16:30

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otei
A squished squirrel?

Oh, you mean Nutty McNuts, the stunt squirrel. You didn't kill him. As it turns out, you did him a favour.


:lol: :D

Otei 01-Dec-2006 01:26

Day 3

The weather was much better today, so i decided to take the RSV for a Canyon run. The only problem was that Amy runs a race shift on her bikes, and had got some rearsets on the Aprilia that you couldn't just turn the linkage round on. So I found the original rearset for the gearshift side...which was in pieces, with the rod that keeps the footrest on the assembly missing. I bodged it together with various borrowed bits from other boxes, and generally made it ready to be ridden my a dopey Brit.



Now the driveway that leads to the main canyon road outside Amy's place is a bit of a dodgy affair, with sand and gravel mixed in large quantities and a nice uphill exit on a blind bend. I rolled up to the exit, gave the big twin a whiff of throttle, and promptly stalled it right in the middle of the road. EEEEEEEEEeeep! I thumbed the starter and wheelied it up the road in my haste to get out of the way of any traffic.

The Canyon roads are crazy, and to be honest, they're a bit much for a big bike with very worn tyres, so cornering wasn't the smoothest at times. The bloody great big orange blocks masqeurading as some sort of cat's eyes that stick up out of the road next to the centre lines weren't much help either and had the bike twitching about on more than one occasion.

I stopped off in Topanga itself on the way back and found a store that sold postcards. Having parked the Mille up at an eaterie, I sat and wrote a few out. The best one was to a mate called Steve, and it simply said "You're a girl, you're a girl, you're a great big girl...flip ya!" How's that for random? I then went to the post office and annoyed the woman behind the counter by paying for 6 stamps with a $50 note. I just informed her that I was a stupid tourist and she reached behind the counter, pulled out a Mack 10 and sprayed the whole of the post office interior with hot lead. Fortunately I had my trusty Roof lid in my hand and I was able to put it on and escape injury.Before I found the store with the postcards, I looked elsewhere. There was this guy in a little hippy gift shop, and when i asked if he had any postcards, you'd have thought I'd asked him for boil in the bag cat s h i t. I think he runs the restaurant next door that we're off to tonight, I hope he remembers me.



Amongst the hippy shops, spiritualist healers and yeti impersonators, I found a really cool little mountainbike shop. There was one bike that was so trick that I forgot to take a picture of it. I'll try and get one another day..It was Phat, er..yo!



There was a group of Mexican guys hanging outside this supermarket type dealio, and it was called "Abuellitas". Now as far as I recall, that means "Grandma" in Spanish, so I was surprised to find a bunch of Chinese guys running the place and this funky basketball lovers truck outside. It either basketball or Oranges...Hmmm!



Speaking of Mexico, we're off on a cruise around the Gulf of Mexico tomorrow, but I should be able to have internet access on the ship, just in case i find a Titty twister bar full of vampires in one of the ports we stop off at..because I just know you're gonna want to hear all about that!

Hasta la Vista, Gringo's,

Otei.

Otei 01-Dec-2006 17:03

Turns out that I won't have internet access on the ship, so you may get a welcome break from my ramblings for a week....but only if I can't find an internet cafe...be warned!

:)

domski 01-Dec-2006 17:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otei
Turns out that I won't have internet access on the ship, so you may get a welcome break from my ramblings for a week...


Woooooooooooooooooo Hooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank god for that...

Quote:

Originally Posted by SmugBastidTei
.but only if I can't find an internet cafe...be warned!

:)


Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite :(

:frog:

;)

Otei 02-Dec-2006 20:53

Turns out that there is access on the ship, which is cool, but at 75 cents a minute, there's no way I'll be putting up huge reports, I'lll just write them on the PC and copy and paste them when I get back to Topanga.

It's been a weird one so far. There are very typical cruise people on board, and I think we'll have to use them to amuse ourselves if we're to survive the journey.

We're off to swim with Dolphins tomorrow, which should be awesome...I hope. I pray they don't just stick us in a swimming pool with some 900 year old, barnacle ridden old mullets.

No vampires as yet, only the ones that try to suck your mojo, like Dom...green eyed little turnip that he is ! ;)

I slept like a log last night, I haven't slept like that since I arrived in the States, but to be honest, It's been ok really.

Right then, must dash, I'll have lots of pix and stuff to post when I get back to the States.

Cheers,

Tim :)

P.S: Dom, eat my ass.

domski 03-Dec-2006 12:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otei
I slept like a log last night


Wake up in the fireplace did we?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pootei
P.S: Dom, eat my ass.


(((((((BIG HUGS!!!!!)))))))

:frog:

Otei 04-Dec-2006 00:53

Today was absolutley hilarious,

We weren't allowed to stroke the dolphins on the nose, but I accidentally ****ted one on it anyway. It didn't let me get away with it though, and it smacked me in the ******** with it's tail as it swam past. V funny.

Really cool day, got asked by so many "jewellery" sellers if we wanted weed, or cocaine. In the end we just told them that we had loads, said we were having a party, then invited them, It was hysterical to see their faces. This was after we'd had the biggest glass of Margherita you have ever seen in your life. We were hammered. :)

Can't wait for tomorrow.

Cheers,

Tim :)

Otei 04-Dec-2006 21:32

OK,

So we found an internet cafe in Mazatlan. Not as huge Margheritas as in Cabo San Lucas, but ok nonetheless.

Went for a little taxicab ride with a guy named Gustavo, pretty cool guy, we went up to the lighthouse (too hot for climbing!) and then watched some ejit jump off a cliff into a few feet of water. Me and Amy are confident we could have done the same thing though, it wasnt that impressive. The best bit was buying a batman kite sort of thing. (Don´t ask, I´ll explain later, we´re both slightly toasted and looking for more booze as I speak..how´s my spelling?)

Have taken huge amounts of pix, there are some really cool buildings here, but its a strange mix of delapidated and rebuilt. We simply cannot work out why some of the buildings are in ruins and some are brand new right next door. The whole place must be going through a phase of money influx from tourism, but I thought Mazatlan had been a tourist spot for years. Weird.

Have some great stories to tell of capers on and off ship, but they´ll be relegated to my usually huge reports with pics that simply cannot fit on here, even at one dollar for an hour.

Tequila is a more important thing to find right now.

Adios,

Otei :)

domski 04-Dec-2006 21:42

Quote:

Originally Posted by Otei
...I thought Matalan had been a tourist spot for years. Weird.


I thought it was an inexpensive clothing boutique!!

You poor northerners are easily pleased. Tourist spot my arse!

:lol:

Quote:

Originally Posted by OteiShmotei
Adios,

Otei :)


:frog:

Otei 11-Dec-2006 19:54

Right then, back from Mexico. Here are the reports:

Day 1. San Diego and cruise launch:

So then, the day of our cruise to Mexico.

We had to drive a couple of hours to San Diego (which in German, means “A whale’s vagina”). The drive was pretty cool, It’s amazing how quickly time goes when you’re not in your own country with the miserable weather bringing you down. The weather was much more like Southern Cali weather, in the mid 70’s and was lovely.

Sadly, the highlight of the freeway journey for me was seeing a big yellow Hummer..no really, It was. I’ve always wanted to see one in real life. They’re not as gigantic as they look in films, but I think it’s safe to say that you wouldn’t want to play a head on game of chicken with one, not unless you were Ben Grimm from the Fantastic four anyway.



When we got to San Diego, we found a park and ride that we’d booked for the week. Four quid a day isn’t bad I guess. We had our luggage loaded onto the van by a pony tailed dude that looked like he had just stepped out of the Woodstock festival. His knowledge of the local breakfasts seemed to be almost encyclopedic. Now the reason he had been asked about this, was that there was a highly intelligent guy sat next to him along with several others that were going on the cruise. He was to provide us with one of several highly amusing “American” moments that were to come.

The brainiac in the front passenger seat asked which park and ride lot we had come from. The ponytailed geezer told him that it was number 4. Holding his hand up, the Mensa candidate blurted “So that’s one hand, four fingers, without the thumb!”. Genius.

Shortly after, the nobel prize laureate in the back seat inquired for directions on how to get to the car park that he had already successfully navigated his way to, and that we had just left.

We got dropped off at the check in and after being ****ed about by a couple of clueless buggers that didn’t actually know where we were supposed to be going, we got our baggage onto a cart and into the ship. When we went to check in, we were stood in a queue of people. I looked behind me, and there was a young boy in a sailors hat. “Alright, Sailor!” I chirped at him. “How did you know his name” said his confused Mother. His father then confirmed that it was in fact his name. Having gotten over the fact that someone would actually name their son that and not expect them to be beaten daily at school, I asked them if they wanted me to do any more psychic stuff for 5 bucks a pop.



As we were waiting in line to check in, I decided to nip off to use the toilet. As I was in there, A guy was holding his dick in one hand, and his mobile in the other. Talking about doing deals on the stock market. I guess business doesn’t even wait for the call of nature. He should be careful though, his train of thought might wander one day and he might end up buying into a different kind of flotation.

We smuggled our sandwiches and Budweiser on board and sat in our State room, waiting for the boat to sail.

There was no way we were going to be allowed to get away with that though, and an announcement came over the tannoy that in 15 minutes time, there would be a practice drill for emergency evacuation. We were instructed that we would need to don our life jackets, which I found difficult to the point where I would probably have drowned if it had been a real emergency. We all waddled down the aisles like embarrassed florescent orange penguins and mustered at our, erm...muster point. We were then lined up outside under the lifeboats and suffered the ignominy of the occupants of the cruise ship opposite laughing and taking photos of us all lined up like berks. marvelous.



We headed out of port and the band started playing on the top deck. It was pretty special, and San Diego looked spectacular at night as we drifted slowly away from it.

We got a beer and a bite to eat, then started to explore the ship and its facilities. You can imagine how happy I was when I came across an old skool Galaga and Pac Man machine in the arcade, I envisage spending many happy, ****ed up hours there growling at annoying American children. Superb!

The rest of the ship is spectacular, with a Casino, Theatre, Cinema, Library, online access, a Bank, Gymnasium, Spa, massage centre, hairdressers and more bars and restaurants than you can shake a stick at. Quite mind boggling, and I simply cannot imagine the level of logistics involved in keeping this thing stocked up and maintained.



We got an idea of just what is involved in running a ship like this when we went to dinner that evening. Each couple that walked through the door was assigned a steward to escort them to their table, and there were waiters of all different types running around in a barely synchronized ballet, with trays just missing heads left right and centre.

Unfortunately, we managed to be seated on a table next to Mr and Mrs. Snoozington, from Dullsville, America. The conversation with our wine waiter was far more stimulating, and Amy and I indulged in a little game that we created, whereby we have to guess the sexual preferences of a certain individual. We labeled this pastime “RUG”

Antonio, our wine waiter was, let’s say...very enthusiastic, with a superbly maintained mustache. For me, the mustache was reason enough to give him a resounding yes vote in the RUG game, Amy wasn’t so sure. She also wasn’t certain what his accent was, so I told her that he was from Portugal. “Are you sure ?”, said Amy with a surprised look on her grill. “Why don’t you ask him?” I said, and bet her the cost of the expensive bottle of wine that I was right.

It was only as the words slipped from her mouth that she instantly noticed his name badge, with “Portugal” in large black letters underneath it. HA!, Hilarious!...chalk one up to the Otei.



We went back to the cabin, but before we did, Amy wanted to go and have a look outside. We peered over the side and I instantly felt really weird, just looking at the dark, brooding expanse of open ocean. Hmmm, chalk one up to the Sea. I went to sleep.

Otei 11-Dec-2006 20:05

Day 2: At Sea.

I can’t believe how much I slept, the weird couple at the dinner table must have slipped something in my wine, or maybe there was something in the revolting orange and apple soup that they mistakenly served me.

Whatever the case, I woke up at 10:30, which was effectively 9:30 as we had moved our clocks forward an hour to take the time zone into account.

Food is served all day long here, and considering that, I’m surprised that there aren’t more of the overly obese Yanks that you tend to see so much of. Still, there’s plenty of time for that to happen. Maybe this is where fat Americans are created, on a floating Calorie farm in the Pacific Ocean.

It’s easy to get disoriented when you’re at sea and on such a huge ship, even for an experienced Mariner like myself (I once owned an inflatable Dinghy on holiday in Malta, when I was aged 4). I woke up, looked out of the cabin window and said to Amy, Wow, with the effect of the water turbulence, it feels like we’re going sideways. “No sweetie”, she replied, “we’re at the Butt of the boat”, and so we were...Doh!



We stepped out for breakfast as I was still waking up and joined the line of people spoiled for choice as to their brekky. I decided to have some scrambled eggs and bacon, and some fresh fruit. Amy thought the scrambled eggs were cheese potatoes, but then she’s not very bright.



We went downstairs and I logged on to the internet, only to find Dom being his usual facetious little self on the DD forum, but put it down to immense jealousy and carried on regardless. we checked out the cigarettes, which worked out at an unbelievable eight quid for 200. I haven’t made my mind up yet whether to bring any back, as I’ll get taxed on them if I get searched and it might not be worthwhile. Whatever, I don’t smoke anyway.



After a difficult bit of self motivation, we went to the gym. It seemed just like normal, as there was the same equipment that i use at home. The weirder thing, was that when i’m using the cross trainers in my local gym, the swimming pool is directly below and in front of me through the glass windows. The swimming pool was somewhat larger this time, and contained whales and dolphins. It didn’t seem quite right that I was moving in a forwards motion, but that the vessel was plowing along to the left. Very Odd.



We went to dinner again (this time it was formal night and time to dress like gangsters!), and sure enough, we were seated next to the dull couple again. We had already devised a cunning plan to amuse ourselves by pretending to be Alpaca farmers, and listing a host of disgusting facts about these camel/llama looking critters, including the fact that their hooves were used in the very desert that one or both of them might be eating. Tragically, they both came out of their shells and proved to be decent enough, if not scintillating characters. Therefore, the Alpaca story was put on hold.



We got a little toasted and had our pictures taken by a South African photographer who was a pretty cool guy, and seemed to know what he was doing..to the point of arranging us so that you couldn’t see where Amy had spilled salmon down her dress, the klutz.

We retired to the cabin to catch some zeds, but were awoken at around 1 am by what surely must have been the back of the boat disintegrating. We absolutely shat ourselves, but I have to say that I was out of bed so fast and ready to get into a life jacket, that my previously awful practice attempt at saving my own skin seemed like a distant memory. After half an hour or so, our heart rates slowed below 150 and we managed to get to sleep, after all, there were dolphins awaiting our arrival in Cabo San Lucas in a few hours time.

CK 11-Dec-2006 20:09

Hummers??

Pah, you didnt need to fly all that way Timmy, you could have just popped up to 'lil ole Woking and seen the 2 in Dukes Court front car park.:p

The company (THQ) uses them for advertising the latest 'puter games:D and the staff take it in turns to use them as 'pool' cars

Otei 11-Dec-2006 20:25

Day 3: Cabo San Lucas:

We waited to get a sticker, then we were called to line up and wait for our tenders.

Tenders are also known in other situations, as “lifeboats”. That’s right, we were going to have to get to the land, via another little boat. I hadn’t been too keen on this idea, as I’m not too keen on boats in general (I know, i know, I’m on a bloody cruise!). However, once we’d waited in line for what seemed like an hour, we finally got onto our little vessel. It was pretty cool seeing the giant cruise liner disappear behind us, and I really did get a feeling of what Captain Bligh felt like as Fletcher Christian and the other Mutineers s******ed and waved at them as they were cast adrift. Fortunately though, we had an advantage over Captain bligh and his crew, an engine..and a bloke to steer the boat...and a wallet full of dollars. Yeehaaa!



We came in to moor at cabo San Lucas, and there were Pelicans everywhere, and it was an awesome sight to see them in the wild, not in some zoo or bird sanctuary.

After being greeted by a couple of fake pirates, we trotted off in the direction of the dolphin centre, which had numerous real pirates trying to sell jewelry and other such trinkets. this would turn out to be a major source of mirth later in the day.

We were guided to the dolphin centre and after receiving wristbands that were similar to a track day, we were then required to sign a waiver..er..just like a track day. I was wondering if we were going to be racing these dolphins or something. turns out that it wasn’t too far from the truth.




We had ben told by the instructors not to touch their heads and faces (although Amy managed to touch some faeces as ours swam by..yuk!), but as the dolphin was circling us, I accidentally smacked it in the face whilst trying to maneuver myself in the pool. I had a feeling it wouldn’t let me get away with it, and I was right. A little later it swam past me and flicked me in the knackers with its tail. B a s t a r d.

In all seriousness though, the whole thing was incredible, and every bit as good as I had imagined it would be. The highlight was the belly ride, where the dolphin laid on its back, you grabbed its pectoral fins and it motored off around the pool as you tried to wipe the inane grin from your face. Typically, being a racer, I asked if it could go any faster, but it seems you have to tuna dolphin to get any more power out of it *Badoom, Tssshk!”

We bought some pics and a DVD, and in all fairness, the pics and especially the DVD were highly impressive given the 10 minutes they had to edit it and create it. Very good indeed my Mexican Spielberg wannabes.

We didn’t have to be back at the boat for a while, so we wandered round the front to grab a bite to eat. Every few yards, we would be accosted by jewelry sellers, but we must have looked slightly “street” as most of them would also mutter “want some weed?” or “wanna get high?”...”Cocaine?” Personally, I put it down to Amy’s tattoos and several Mexican guys shouted “Hey, do you wanna know where the tattoo shop is?”



On the way back to the boat later on, we had gotten tired of being asked if we wanted any gear, so when one young lad asked us again, I told him we had loads of drugs, that we were gonna have a crazy party and that he was invited. His face was a picture, it went from streetwise young geezer, to shocked and surprised teenager faster than you could say “ 2 loopy Gringos”. Quality.

In-between amusing ourselves with the local drug dealers, we went and had a bit to eat at a place called Margaritavilla. We had some quesadillas and some fajitas, but the decisive factor was the huge, and I do mean quite titanic Margaritas that we were served. They were like buckets, I s h i t you not. We were pretty toasted after these, so we staggered around the little town for a while taking pics.



The trip back to the boat was as cool as the trip away from it, and I took a bit of video, whilst simultaneously taking the **** out of a group of Canadians in a South Park style.

We had booked a massage each before we left, so we got our asses in gear and went to check that out. We had a very nice, tiny little South African chick called Riki doing our treatments, and although she was small, she could suck like an experienced hooke...I mean, her massage pressure was impressive to say the least.

The day was flying by, and it was time to head to dinner once again, with our mildly less dull friends. The boat was pitching about quite a bit and the lightweight majority had stayed away from any intake of food aboard this floating roller coaster. This included Gerry, the wife of our dining table partner, David. He seemed less uptight when she wasn’t around, I can’t imagine why that might be, as her whiny, nasally tones had endeared her to us no end.

He asked how our day with the dolphins had gone, and we both broke straight faced into a yarn about how a woman in our group had gotten in the way of one of the dolphins and been knocked unconscious by its tail as it splashed out of the water. I added that we thought her teeth had been knocked into the water, but that it was just pieces of polystyrene from her flotation vest. I also tacked on the fact that the Mexican trainer had been in floods of tears. Amy assisted ably, and we managed it without cracking up.

Ironically, David then told us how their son had fallen over and knocked his teeth backwards, requiring a trip to the local dentist in the process. Irony?, or was David smarter than he looked and giving us a bulls h i t rebuttal? We’ll never know I guess,.

The previous day, we had ordered a bottle of wine to go with our meal, which was served to us by Antonio our wine waiter, who was a real character and a sterling bloke. Amy had done some wine tasting previously, and did a thoroughly convincing impersonation of someone that knows what the hell they’re talking about when it comes to drinking wine. She slooshed it around in the glass, then stuck her beak in it and had a good whiff before finally tasting it and proclaiming it fit for consumption. I took the **** a bit and she told me that if she hadn’t liked it, she could have sent it back. The next night however, was a different story. Once again, our resident wine swiller sloshed the claret around, gave it a quick snort, but didn’t look too impressed. Antonio, said that we would try to find something with a bit more body about it for the next night, and promptly hightailed it. I laughed my ass off and said “Well so much for sending it back then!”

After a few more drinks we were even less impressed than when we first started, and this really shouldn’t have been the case, as everyone knows that it doesn’t matter what you drink when you’re already ****ed. I collared Antonio and asked him what the point of swilling the booze around and sniffing it like a bunch of daisies, then having a thimble full if you couldn’t send it back if you didn’t like it?

He looked a little stumped for a second, then, like the true professional he is, he explained that it wasn’t really anything to do with the taste of the wine, more to ensure that the wine was in good condition. I told him that I was no wine expert, but that I really didn’t think that this was a $48 bottle of wine, in anybody’s language. There was a good glassful left that we’d attempted to palm off on David, but he wasn’t having any of it either, so i asked Antonio if he was able to taste it for us.

I wasn’t sure if he’d be allowed to drink on duty, but to my immense surprise and incredible amusement, he stood upright and boldly stated “Of course Sir, that is why I carry this!” and proceeded to pull out the biggest Hip hop looking chain, which had what can only be described as a silver plated, shallow ladle without the handle, attached to the chunky ghetto necktie. He put a Portuguese sized portion in his pimpin’ metal booze pouch, and gave it a swill. His face started to look like a bulldog that had licked some **** of a stinging nettle, and eventually declared that it really shouldn’t taste like that. Amy looked very pleased with herself. good skills, wino.



Antonio, who we now very aptly named Flava Flave, promised to give us a free bottle of wine for the next evening, which was certainly mission accomplished, and without having disrespected the guy in any way shape or form. We staggered around the sloshing ship before retiring to bed, safe in the knowledge that we couldn’t have had much more fun that day if we’d had the entire Monty Python team as our tour guides.

Otei 11-Dec-2006 20:31

Quote:

Pah, you didnt need to fly all that way Timmy, you could have just popped up to 'lil ole Woking and seen the 2 in Dukes Court front car park

B u g g e r!

I wasted all that money then. That'll teach me :D

Otei 11-Dec-2006 20:44

Day 4: Mazatlan:

Initially we’d arranged to go on a walking tour around the streets of Mazatlan. This, however, would have involved tagging along with snail paced, geriatric coffin dodgers. Having had second thoughts about this, Amy decided to see if she could cancel the tour without losing our money. Imagine our delight when the very efficient Monica managed to sell our tickets on and refund us the equivalent of several long island ice teas, which we can highly recommend as brain cell killers.

So then, somewhat novelly, we were actually attached to a dock this day. Having disembarked on shank’s pony, we discovered that it was at least three miles into the old part of town and a further two into the new sector. We really weren’t interested in the new sector and wanted to see the old part of town and some of the attractions that were being hawked by the so-called “tourist information guides”. It seems that everyone you talk to has an angle of some sort and something to sell. Having eventually decided to walk to the main attractions on our own after spending a good 5-10 minutes talking with one of the taxi drivers, we realized that after approximately 300 yards the day’s temperatures would kill us quicker than a dose of ebola in a fast forward time machine.

We skulked back to the taxi driver and hoped that the $30 fee for the 1 1/2 hour that we had already negotiated after we got our independent heads on still stood. Fortunately it did and Gustavo, our particularly fluent english-speaking driver, started to take us on a mini-tour of places we wished to visit.



It turned out that Gustavo had experienced living in LA at some point, which is why his driving skills in heavy traffic were up to the mark. We arrived at our first destination, which Gustavo proudly told us, was the second tallest natural lighthouse in the world. His tour guide skills didn’t extend to knowing which was the tallest, but this could have been due to the fact that his brain was overpowered by the sublime stench that was emanating from the sewage plant inconveniently located directly next door.

We knew we were limited with time, but Amy seemed to think the clock was ticking faster and started making her way up the rocky slopes like some demented, tattooed, sweaty mountain goat. I attempted to excuse my utter lack of fitness on the fact that I was carrying the rucksack, which she rebutted, and took all of the wind out of my sails by saying that I could wait where we were and she would run the rest of the way. The fackin’ head case.






Fortunately, and much to my relief, about 3/4 of the way up, she saw sense and decided that even though we’d seen a 90 year-old-man jog past us on the way down, that time was of the essence, and we’d head back after taking a couple of photos. Gustavo was highly impressed when we lied through our teeth and nodded furiously when he asked if we’d reached the top, accompanied by a resounding “Yep” from Amy.

Next stop was a lookout point that viewed the lighthouse that we had so unsuccessfully managed to scale. For me this wasn’t a surprise, but what was a surprise, was that a guy who was selling masks, and that was old enough to be our great-grandfather, propositioned us with the supply of some “good good cheeba”, once again!

After this, we pulled up alongside a statue of a guy on a motorcycle. It turned out, after we had totally disrespected his memory by taking comedy pillion rides on his monument, that he was Mexico’s equivalent of Elvis Presely. His name was Peter Infante and he was a famous movie star and singer who died in a plane crash. Gustavo told us that he loved motorcycles and had starred in many movies featuring motorcycles, which was good enough for us motorheads.Reeespect, Mr Infante.



Gustavo was then slick enough to take us to a shop that served free margaritas, which was good skills x10 from our articulate human broom faced dude. After quaffing a couple of these, we scurried off to what was in our minds, the extreme sports event of the day, the cliff diver. Gustavo proudly trumpeted the fact that this daredevil beaner was going to jump 45’ from a cliff into just 6’ of water. After the free booze, this sounded quite impressive, and we laid out $5 to watch our superhero perform. After a short period, our man clambered his way onto the precipice, saluting the crowd, and possibly praising Jesus, before belly flopping into the frothing waters below. It was impressive enough, but I do believe that I’d rather have had another margarita for the money and tried it myself.

Amazingly before this X games marvel, our time had already expired with Gustavo. We had already said our good-byes before the cliff diver and taken a few photos, one of which was of an intriguing red gate that covered a cave that wound its way into the cliff face a good 30’. There was a metal devil’s head on top of the gate and the word “iablo” (missing D) on top of a pitchfork. Amy took a photo with flash into the deep recesses of the cave, and it was only when we downloaded it to the laptop later that amongst the beer cans and other assorted litter we saw lucifer himself mocking our blindness.





We then worked our way back through town in search of margaritas the size of fishbowls. Tragically, it would appear that one would have to go into the new part of town to find these and we had to settle for several more smaller versions. We zigzagged our way through the back streets, managing to discover the real Mazatlan and being fortunate enough to get photos of the huge contrasts that a tour guide would never wish to show you.

We stopped off at an internet cafe to see what gems Dom had come up with, and it has to be said he didn’t disappoint. We then made our way back to tequila central and had some more margaritas with some nachos. By this time, we were completely fooked and mozied back to the ship.

We crashed out for a bit. Amy went to the gym and I just slobbed it out on a sun lounger next to the pool. The biggest surprise for me was hearing an American tell a funny joke. “Why are the streets in France lined with trees?” “Because the Germans like to march in the shade.” Not groundbreaking, but it made me chuckle.

We again went to dinner and amazingly, Gerry seemed to have sprouted the beginnings of a personality overnight. We were given a stark reminder of her idiocy though when her shrill intonation requested an explanation from me as to why the English aristocracy had people to put their trousers on for them. “What’s up with that?” she whined. I explained to this recently qualified lawyer that it had about as much relevance to modern times as the slave trade does to modern America. I don’t think she understood. The only saving grace was that David hadn’t informed her of the dolphin smack down and we got to bullshit her via the medium of her own husband’s voice because neither of us could be bothered to tell her. It was then off to bed, having drunk about 18 gallons of water to try and rehydrate ourselves following the day’s tequila fest.

Otei 11-Dec-2006 20:55

day 5: Puerto Vallarta:

Once again in order to reach land, we would have to take one of the tenders / lifeboats to shore. We decided to go quite early this time as when we were in Cabo San Lucas, the day had evaporated more quickly than the water in our bodies. The main areas of interest in Puerto Vallarta (henceforth known as PV) were a short taxi trip away ... once again too far to walk and particularly so, considering the temperatures were already getting quite heady despite the fact our breakfast hadn’t even begun to digest yet.

We were dropped off at the beach front, which was quite frankly beautiful, with a nice mixture of quirky sculptures, sand castle style art, and giant flocks of frolicing pelicans. We tried to find an impartial tourist guide, as once again it seemed that anyone you asked had some form of bias towards a product they were punting.

We found a guy in a tiny little office on the shore front who gave us all the information we required regarding the local attractions and was also seemingly duty bound to give fair warning of the gay area, which unless we liked seeing men in thongs holding hands, we should avoid.



I had received an email from John Sanders complaining that if this was supposed to be a biker’s holiday, where were the babes? With this in mind, we headed to the hooters bar that the same tour guide had pointed out. However, when we got in there, it seemed that none of them were really of high enough quality to bother the digital camera with, so I think we will save that one for Hooters of Santa Monica (be patient John...).

Having paid for the water and orange tangos in the Hooter’s bar with a hundred dollar bill, it only dawned on us when the girl was on her way back that we we’re unlikelly to receive American dollars in change. Sure enough, we ended up with a load of pesos instead. This wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for the fact that this was going to be our last day in Mexico. We were going to need a pretty healthy excuse to spend the rest of this money.



Sure enough, as we strolled towards the end of the beach, there sat some Sea-Doos for hire. A bunch of kindly Canadians agreed to watch over our possesions and we went to hand over 550 pesos (~ 25 quid) for the two of us to get our much needed motoesque fix.
During our mild deliquency, we seriously considered whether we had enough gas to reach Cabo San Lucas and it’s tantalizingly enourmous margaritas. Amy did the maths, taking wind direction, slip streaming of cruise liners, and possible tows from friendly dolphins into account and begrudgingly admitted that we may just have to come back to Cabo San Lucas on holiday for a week. After half an hour of giggling and air time, trying to create our own ramps in the waves, we headed back to shore, resisting the temptation to bump the bald heads of the bathers with the hull of the SeaDoo.



The moto fix had given us an appetite and naturally a thirst for tequila, so we went and had lunch and some drinks having collected our belongings from their benevolent guardians. We continued into the old part of town and after have taken some pics of some interesting spots, I happened upon a shop selling the most awesome Mexican wrestling masks you ever did see.

I literally had 250 pesos to my name, 100 of which was required for the taxi back to the ship. The street-wise and somewhat aggressive sales woman demanded 250 pesos for the mask. I explained to her that I would happily pay this were it not for the fact that it was very hot and we needed 100 pesos for the taxi back to the port, otherwise we were walking and would very likely die.

She seemed to think that I was just playing the bartaring game, and as she came down in quantities of 10 pesos or more, I kept telling her “No, you’re really not getting this, are you? It’s 150 pesos, or we end up walking.” Finally she relented and said “Ok, just give me the money. 150 pesos.”

It was great that I had managed to bag such a quailty mask for such a good price, but we then both realized that we really badly needed a drink and couldn’t spare any cash. The search for an ATM became more like the search for the A-Team, eventually Mr. T and howling mad Hronek found a bank and with it an ATM that dispensed enough cash to buy water, energy drinks, and the bread covered with sugar that Amy was desparate wasn’t just a figment of her imagination and that all of the time she spent in England asking for granulated sugar to put on her bread and butter wasn’t just some sort of perverse personal kink.

At this point we both decided that the weather was way hotter than we had given it credit for even for December (I guess you’re a lot closer to the equator in Mexico) and realized that it was getting the better of us. A quick rest in an internet cafe was all that was needed to convince us that the next stop should be a taxi, then a cold shower on the ship.



Traffic in the taxi was pretty heavy and I thank god that when I asked the guy if he had air conditioning, he finally realized what we were talking about, wound the windows up and gave us sweet relief from the unreal heat. Son of a bitch, December.

When we got back, I decided that there was no way I could resist making some comedy use of the wrestling mask that I had bartered so hard for. We had a beach towel that matched the mask exactly, so I tied this around my neck as a cape, hoisted my underwear up to my navel and just as an unsuspecting old man was arranging a sun lounger outside our cabin window, I flung back the net curtain, hammered on the window, and squeald “I am a famous Mexican wrestler” at the terrified old chap. Me and Amy fell about laughing for what seemed like ages and tried to recreate on video for posterity a little later on, but the first time is always the best, and it just wasn’t the same. Fook me it was funny, though.



We monged out for a bit and by the time dinner was due to be served at 8:30, we were both on song again. Having gotten away with the dolphin story so convincingly, we decided that Amy had been subject to an attempted mugging in the center of PV, but that she had used her kickboxing skills to great affect and floored the sqealing Mexican man with a quality roundhouse to the jaw. Naturally this tale was told in animated detail to David and Gerry but we both soon realized that Gerry wasn’t as green as she was cabbage looking. She whispered something in David’s ear, and as his face dropped, it took on a look that could only have meant “Really, they’re lying? I’ve been such a dumbass.”



Our dining guests, Gerry and david.

Nevertheless, we continued to chat and offered them a glass of “good” wine, which David took us up on. The reason we knew it was “good” wine was that in a lame attempt to make Antonio show us his Flava Flave / wine tasting cup, we’d asked him to taste the replacement bottle for us. During this display we learned a surprising amount about his hip hop apparatus and it turned out that the design of the little dish was far more complex than we could have ever imagined. We anxiously await using this new found knowledged on the next unsuspecting wine stewart we encounter.

Strangely, despite Gerry’s new found and highly justified distrust of us, we found a bizarre common ground in that they were huge fans of Ricky Gervais and particularly “The Office”.
We spent a good while discussing this and as usually the case when I am somewhat inebriated and spewing forth verbal diahorrea I was completely unaware that a slightlly bored Amy, who knew nothing about Ricky Gervais, was blatantly theiving my alcohol from under my very nose. It was therefore a shocked Otei that went to take a sip of his very expensive Long Island Ice Tea and discovered that it was pretty much only ice left in the glass.

I had been eating steak quite a bit, during our mealtimes, but had sadly been without any english mustard, so I asked the waier, gabriel if he had any at all. he went off and came back with exactly what i expected him to, Dijon mustard. It was then that the somewhat pompous Polish maitre d, (Rsyksyard or somethin, it was pronounced Richard, anyway). I said that they realy should have English mustard for the English steak lovers on board, and he proclaimed that they did have some and would go and find it.

He was gone a litle while, and returned with an unbelievably smug grin on his face as he goosestepped up the restaurant with a dish of English mustard in hand. Good skills mr Poland.

The final bit of mischief as we were heading off to bed was at the expense of a young girl that had knock one of the phone recievers off the wall mounted telephones. We arrived just as she turned her back, having finally managed to replace the handset. I flicked it off its mount as i walked past muttering “Oops, look what you did!” Poor little lamb then gamely struggled to get it bacl on the wall again as we strolled off s******ing. Pure evil, but maybe it builds character...or something!

Otei 11-Dec-2006 21:02

The last couple of days were at sea just sailing back to San Diego.

During a day in Mazatlan though, we'd seen the most unbelievable pile of a motorcycle you ever did see.

It had a totally bald rear tyre, no reg plate and no cap on the fueltank. It was obviously a mix up of different bike and bodywork. Can anyone workk out what the silver dream machine is?








TP 11-Dec-2006 21:36

Is it an old Honda VF with the later VFR 750 bodywork?

Otei 12-Dec-2006 01:49

To be honest, i have no idea what it is for certain.

I'm pretty much with you on the whole "Old VF with newer bodywork on it", but I think the bodywork is CBR 600.

It was a perfect example of what the Mexican police consider to be real priorities in their daily lawenforcement though.

I think this pic illustartes the Mexican attitude to a tee:


Otei 12-Dec-2006 01:59

When we got back to San Diego, we went to the SD Animal Park.

It was pretty good. I don't really like Zoo's much, but this had free roaming areas on a scale that blew your mind. In fact, there were some areas, that with the benefit of the San Diego mountain backdrop, looked like their real habitat. It was only the fencing that occasionally gave it away in a photo.














Otei 12-Dec-2006 02:14

The next day we jut chilled out and did a few bits and pieces that needed sorting.

On Sunday though, we went off to see something I've wanted to see since I was a kid. when I watched the E.T film years ago, and I really liked the look of the neighborhood that they used in the film.

As it turns out, It's as nice as it looks.

We rolled up in the truck, BMX strapped in the back for some pics and had a look. As I was going towards the drive, the owner came down and I introduced myself.He was a realy lovely bloke, and spared quite a bit of time telling us about the history of the place.



He hadn't been the owner when Steven Spielberg made the movie, but he said that Spielberg had been flying around in a helicopter, looking for the area that he had in his mind for the shot. When they turned up at the door of the house, the owner wasn't a big film buff, didn't know who he was and wasn't too keen to go along with it.

Then of course, dollars were offered and it was a done deal.



The present owner, Tony, had been in residence when the directors of Charlies Angels wanted to use the house again though, and Drew barrymore made a return to the house, only this time she was naked. Awesome!

He gave us an insight into just what goes into making a film. He said that the crew were there for a week, filmed just one day, and that it was for about 6 seconds of footage at the beginning of the film. cameron Diaz had been rollerblading up and down the street and playing with the local kids.

They'd had so many support vehicles that it was ridiculous. Even a gardener that had different plants on hand if they decided they wanted them. Unreal.

So I had a ride around on my BMX, made a few people in cars smile and we drove off with me having satisfied a long standing and very odd ambition. I can't help it I'm afraid.



I needed Hawkman's red hoodie though! :D


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