For all the Dsc Dads.....
 

10 Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing some kind of “barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Moggy,

Absolutely fantastic!!

However, you've missed a couple.

Rule Eleven: While you wait on my daughter in the hallway, you should assume the position to allow me to search you thoroughly and completely. The sniffer dog is to ensure you're own safety, honest.

Rule Twelve: Upon completion of rule 11, you should complete the provided questionnaire in a timely and legible manner. You should provide finger print samples of your direct family. Please remember rule 9 during this phase.

Yep, I have an eight year old daughter.

Cheers!

Scott

:lol::lol: glad i don't have a daughter.......... i think

one 16 and one 8 and one 40
I shall now be printing the rules out and pinning them to the front door in plain and legible laminated A4 size clear wallet.

Absolutely superb! :lol::lol::lol:

The poor young *******s don't stand a chance. :devil:

I have just left my daughter in a bar with her boyfriend who is as scared of me as it is possible for a 5'8" bloke posing as her future husband to be. He soooo wants my approval, and I love him for trying (but only cos my daughter loves him, otherwise I wouldn't give him the time of day!) The key is, never give your approval cos that just opens all kinds of floodgates. As surrogate dad and actual mum, I wholly approve of your attitude, Mogwai. It's spot on. :sing::sing::sing:

I have a 12 year old who is 5` 11" Gulp!

Oh! if only life was so simple as Rules. A very humourus write up, but what sort of daughter would you end up with if you stuck to them. A twitching nervous suicidal wreck with no room for any serious relationships in their lives.Life is for living, meeting the good ,bad and darn right shady *******s in this world,wrapping daughters in cotton wool may make you feel better but what would you have done if you parents did the same to you.Rebel. Sure ive have a few sleepless night having seen two lovely daughters grow up but not with a rule book like that. Bring them up with love and respect, a good moral believe and you will have nothing to worry about. Dads of the DSC fear not. Unless your son is about to court a certain Miss Mogwai. 4D

4D is of course right, but I think we all follow the 'tongue-in-cheek' nature of the thread...

Still....no-ones getting near my daughter unless they turn up on a Ducati.

AND A RED DUCATI AT THAT :devil:

Frank

So glad we have a little boy.... We only have to worry about the police, drugs, crime, pregnancy, fighting, drinking, driving, bikes........ :(

Well I have two of each. (girls 10 and 6; boys 8 and 4)

I am destined for an early grave ...

I've got the best of both worlds, with my first daughter I get to worry about her boyfriends, with my second I can worry about all of the above. :o:o

Fordie is right about not interfering, as I learnt from bitter experience. Jo (at about 16 yrs of age) told me she fancied one of the lads, Neil, who played hockey at my club but was too shy to go to chat with him. Now, I thought this lad was very dishy too (obviously half my age, but that doesn't mean you can't admire them, right?) and I wholly approved of her choice. So, in my usual bossy 'hockey captain' way I told him to ring her for a date. Which he duly did. On the appointed night he turned up to take her to the pictures. Imagine the ear bashing I got from my daughter when it turned out to be the wrong Neil. The one she fancied was the spotty, skinny one that used to skulk around behind the duke box. Valuable lesson learned, never interfere - unless she asked me to ask Chillo out on a date for her, which of course I would be happy to do without hesitation. There have to be some vicarious thrills in this motherhood malarkey. :frog::frog::lol::lol:

Those of you at Cadwell 2.5 may remember what sounded like a pistol shot, but was actually Ruth's jaw hitting the tarmac when she clapped eyes for the first time on Chillo (whilst he was in a partial state of undress).
:devil:

Mind you, my jaw made a similar sound when I witnessed one of his Mountain wheelies.
:D

YEP :frog::frog::frog:

Do you really want your daughter going out with one of those nasty death trap riding hooligans?:rolleye:

He said a RED Ducati though ;)

You mean the fast coloured death trap then;)

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

class mate.

Second 'Eco Warrior' type daughter just spent 2 hours here telling me about her shattered relationship. There is nothing in life that equips a parent for dealing wiht the broken heart of a child. You spend your life tring to make them happy and then some ******* bloke gets in there and F****s it up. Kids, you can't live with 'em and you can't sell 'em.:(

need more geezers like me

:saint:

but seriously......kind of off topic but ive been gob smacked at the rise of teenage pregnancies this last year or so...
i know about 8 girls my age getting preggers.

even my best mate...his missus was due last tuesday but it still hasn't popped out yet...hes only 18.:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

is very sad:(:mad::(:mad::(:mad:

Jewell, that's interesting, isn't it? Every generationus on the rebound. You want to do the opposite of what your parents did. Your parents were into birth control and planned families; the obvious antidote to that is unwanted pregnancies. Just makes you want to throw in the towel and stop trying to be a 'parent'. Trouble is, once a parent, always a parent. I yearn for irresponsibility - that's why I ride a motorbike. For those few brief moments when I just think, sod it, who cares :ninja::ninja:

s'funny, can't think of anyone of my age getting preggers. Be a damn miracle if they did.:lol:

s'funny, can't think of anyone of my age getting preggers. Be a damn miracle if they did.


...thats what I thought.:saint:....until four months ago.:o:o:puzzled::lol:

We've all been kids and thought we knew better than our parents so gotta agree with 4D even though it was a great laugh....................but my one rule is ABSOLUTELY NO NEWCASTLE SUPPORTERS.. no i'm not a narrow minded bigot at all:P

My 17 year old daughter hoovered the house yesterday. Do you think she's softening me up for some bad news....? Her boyfriend filled in my questionnaire a few months ago, but I think he might have fibbed on some questions. He supports Chelsea, so I had to pass him as OK.

What a bunch of pervs.......... :lol::lol: