Desmondo\'s guide to lording it up at the Funky Buddha, Mayfair.
 

I went to stay at a friends in Wimbledon this weekend and ended up heading in to town for a few beers and then on to a place called the Funky Buddha. Now this kind of place really isn't my thing but it turned out to be quite a good night for a few reasons. So here's my guide :D

After a few beers in town we headed off to Berkeley Street, Mayfair, to the Funky Buddha. Now if you've never heard of this place then don't worry, neither had I. It's one of those places where you have to remove your head from your shoulders and shove it as far up your arse as possible whilst waiting in the queue. Except we didn't have to wait in the queue as my friends mate knows the owner and most of the regulars so we slip straight past the lineup and in through the door. Commoners 1, Posh Knobs 0.

Once inside we hang around the bar and order a round of drinks. We knew it would be expensive for drinks in there but that wasn't a problem for us as you'll find out later. So 5 drinks and £40 less and we're having a beer and a chat when our friend comes back and get us to follow her in to the VIP area. It's nothing special really, just a few tables and chairs with a bar in the milddle, overlooking the main dancefloor area and bar that the peasants use. We bump into a couple of guys from Blue who seemed OK, they weren't lording it up and just looked to be out with their mates having a few beers. Didn't to chat to them as this isn't really my thing.

So we're taken to a table that we can use for the night which some guy who we don't know has bought for us. Bought in the sense that you have a minimum spend on alcohol whilst you're there. Ours was £500. Yep, some guy we don't know paid £500 for a table for us to use and drink at. In the middle is a price list for the drinks. Bottle of Vodka - £135, JD - £155. What's so special about these drinks? Nothing. They're exactly the same bottles you can buy in any other shop for £20 but because you're at the Funky Buddha you get to pay £130+ for the privilege. So the waitress comes over and asks us what we want. Not spending my own money, I order up 2 bottles of vodka and a bottle of JD. Bang goes £400+ and I just sit there and laugh to myself. A few minutes later and the bottles turn up along with an ice bucket and small bottles of soda water, lemonade and coke.

Now we're starting to fit in a bit, now knowing what's going on an knowing we're not paying for any of it, you can start to lord it up a bit. But you have to have this certain look about you so the first move is, as I said earlier, to remove your head and shove it up your arse. It's a bit uncomfortable at first but you soon get used to it. But the killer part of the look is your face. You see the main part of being in the VIP area is the fact that the peasants can look up at you from the bar. Now all these chicks standing at the bar are staring at you all night hoping to catch your eye. You know they wouldn't be looking at you if you were in any other pub or even standing right next to them in the peasant area. But no, you're in the VIP area therefore you ARE minted and worth looking at (and I thought it was meant to be us guys that were shallow). So, to further impress these young fillies you need the Knowing Smirk™. You know the kind of thing. The one you developed when you were 9 years old and you had the football that everybody wanted to play with and the sweets that your mates wanted you to share. So with the Knowing Smirk™ practiced and perfected we stood there. Nobody had a clue we were commoners at all, it was amazing.

So what happens next? A yound lady comes rushing over to our table. "Excuse me" she says, "this table is already booked, you'll have to move". Damn you, we're not moving, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? (We've really perfected the posh knob part by now). She explains that the table has already been reserved by the scrawny blonde guy from S Club 7. We point over to the guy who paid for us and after chatting for a couple of minutes she walks back to the S Club 7 lad and tells him to sit somewhere else, lol. Commoners 1, S Club 7 0.

We then spend the rest of the night drinking our way through the bottles of vodka and JD. When you want a beer you just call someone over, ask for a beer and then point to your table. Within minutes a beer magically appears in your hand. We have a few dances out with the peasants and give the Knowing Smirk™ as you enter back into the VIP area. It gets to around 3am when we decided we've had enough and leave. Say thanks for all the freebies and we're off on our way heading to a Chinese for a bit of food.

So would I go back there again? No chance, not unless somebody was paying for me. The place really isn't anything special and certainly not worth £15 entry and £8 a drink.

Wow, that turned out to be longer than I expected. Did you make it this far?

Jamie - sounds like you most enjoyed the 'commoners' 1 - 'others' 0 bits!!!:lol::lol:

C

Sounds like some of are clubs down in Bournmouth......to up your own for me.....pretentious gits :lol::lol:

A few years back I had a similar experience when I was part of my company's UK management team. We'd were at a two day customer service seminar and in the evening we went out on the town. I can't remember where we ended up but it was somewhere dead posey owned by some celeb or another. The people in there were all total fashion victims and completely up themselves and apparently there were a few famous footballers in (I wouldn't have known this because I can't stand football and don't know what anybody looks like apart from a few England players).

The place itself was nothing special apart from the decor trying to look ultra cool (but only managing to reach a tacky gold bracelet, stretch limo type of 'cool').

We had had a good year as a management team, broken all our targets and what have you, so my boss decided to buy some champagne to celebrate. There were 8 of us, so he bought 4 bottles. God knows how he got the bill through on his expense account... £2000 for four bottles...Yep, £500 a bottle for ordinary Moet & Chandon which is about 20 times the price down the offy.

How the other half live...suckers

Used to help run a club called 'The Emporium' in Soho, Jamie, so know exactly where you are coming from.
Amazing effect, having money,on the girlies in those clubs is'nt it?
Our version of beer goggles I think. You suddenly become a more attractive prospect:D (not that im saying anything about that GQ face of yours!)
Having worked in environments such as that, I really dont get the whole celebrity wet my knickers when they turn up, thing. Can you explain it?
Met 'Prince' once, and all he did all night was to point to girls on the dance floor and get his minders to invite them over.Magical how they all accepted!
Especially when he is such an ugly dwarf in the flesh!!
:eureka:

Hell, you'd better not be. Remember, I know where you live :devil: :lol:

Haven't got a bloody clue mate. They were just a couple of normal blokes out for a beer as far as I could see. Yet loads of people just seem to have to talk to them or keep staring. Wow, I spoke to Simon from Blue....brilliant - you tit. I was jsut there enjoying the freebies and taking the mickey out of people with my mate :D

[
Haven't got a bloody clue mate. They were just a couple of normal blokes out for a beer as far as I could see. Yet loads of people just seem to have to talk to them or keep staring. Wow, I spoke to Simon from Blue....brilliant - you tit. I was jsut there enjoying the freebies and taking the mickey out of people with my mate :D [/quote]

The worst thing is when they believe their own hype! and prance around bigging it up!
God, I would have loved to lamp a couple of them!:roll:
Only kidding, im a cup cake really!

not at snetterton today then?

Nah mate, bike is in bits at the moment and busy at work so no chance of making it :(