Early Friday Funny
 

A young blonde Pompey girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.

"You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?" he asked.

"Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge."Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what, I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you look after me -
if you know what I mean."

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and it's lifeboats...

He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America .

One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night ... and he's screwing me."

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied...

He certainly is pet, this is the Isle of Wight Ferry.


:D

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when
he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man

"Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"
(Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved
closer.

"Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"
(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said

"Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!".
(Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in a
fine English accent.

"Oh I see," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands
you can get bigger gulps..."

:D

A nice funny \"Why we forward jokes\"
 

A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead
for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.

At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow!
Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain. When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke. So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile. You are all welcome at my water
bowl anytime.

:saint:

Pass a tissue Frank.....i am welling up...

I take it you're offshore again mate, all that quality time with yourself :lol:

Cheers!

Scott

:saint:All women in portsmuff are that easy and stupid!FACT:devil:

Yes mate on a 3 weeker.

It is going slower than being in the jail, bunked up with "Big Leroy":frog:

5 days to push. home Tuesday.

I have worn out all my DVD's from Amsterdam:saint:

No, Pompey girls are not that daft, she must have been from Gosport.

:devil:Maybe,but she got the ferry to go 'clubbing' at 5th avenue,therefore portsmuff innit moosh:devil: