Friday funnies
 

Double Entendres

Fnarr Fnarr!!

> BBC's MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up a male
> astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
>
> "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only
> come
>>in his shorts."
>
> KEN Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
> Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
>
> "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
> by himself."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
>
> "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World
> Superbike racing:
>
> "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a

> hard on now."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on

> This Morning:
>
> "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
> night."
>
> WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
> formidable lead:
>
> "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
>
> ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
>
> "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
>
> CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
> match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
>
> "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
>
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
>
> "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters:
>
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath
> away...
>
> "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
>
> WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big

> race when he said:
>
>
>
> "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
> different positions."
>
>
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said:
>
> "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed

> and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
>
> "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"
>
> Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
>
> because they were laughing so hard!
>
> US PGA Commentator -
>
> "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
> before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..
>
> Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"
>
> METRO RADIO -
>
> "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the

> field."
>
>
>
> HARRY Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 -
>
> "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing
> the Cox of the Oxford crew."
>
> TED Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -
>
> "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
>
> NEW ZEALAND Rugby commentator -
>
> "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
>
> PAT GLENN - Weightlifting commentator -
>
> "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning
> and it was amazing".

American pal sent me this....

THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS, K-MART IS LIKE YOUR TESCO'S
> A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a
> refund for the toaster
> she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give
her
> a refund because she bought it on special.
> Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
> "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
>
> The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front a growing
> crowd of customers.
> The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
> She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't
> give her a refund because she bought it on special.
> Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming
> "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!"
>
> And doing so draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager
pleads
> "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
> In a huff, the woman says,
>
> "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'm being SCREWED!!"
> The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded