The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the
2012 Olympics. However, there has been a request that some of the events
and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance
of winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore
being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in East
Ham/Manor Park.
Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is
brought back, but arrangements have been made if necessary, to use
Wanstead Flats pond.
The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that
drugs would be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked
about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the ****
out of the local lads and offered to take the researcher outside.
The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony
will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort
XR3i.
Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes in the following
events: -
1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Green
street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the
other. After 20 metres a Police Dog will be released in each lane.
2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with
a black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked
to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches,
mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.
3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
the finals will be held in West Ham United's ground on Saturday night.
The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Boleyn Tavern before
encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following: -
(a) There's fark all for your tea.
(b) The telly's been repossessed.
(c) Our Tracey's up the stick.
(d) I'm up the stick.
(e) The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it's yours.
4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump
and will be sponsored by H.M. Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to
competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.
5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to the cash point machines at the
Total in High Street North and the winning team will be the ones who can
haul it out the quickest.
6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be
collected from the fields behind the waste disposal site by the Beckton
Roundabout and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most
unusual places.
7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at
suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or
at any vehicles in the hospital car park.
8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier,
Doberman, German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not
count.
9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems
are for poofs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have
stunt pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They
must be mountain bikes or "stand on" scooters and they must have spent
at least a week in the River Thames. In the case of scooters, they
must be at least 125cc and the rider must be under 10 years of age.
Helmets are, of course, forbidden.
The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage
such a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of
the Games flourishing in this little part of London. They urge the
I.O.C. to consider this application in the light of that tried and
tested local
saying: -
It's not the taking part that counts; IT'S THE TAKING APART!!
Newham is one of the host boroughs for the London 2012 Olympic and
Paralympic Games.
For further details see
http://www.olympics.newham.gov.uk NOTE: This communication is sent for and on behalf of the London Borough
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