Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > It's only words and only in America!!!

[ScottyB]

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

1. A woman walked into a hair salon with her husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" She turned around and walked back out and never went back. Her husband didn't say a word .. he knew better.

2. A woman was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. She was unhappy with the women's type she had been using. After browsing for several minutes, she was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help her. Without thinking, she looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. She replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts," The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and the woman turned beetroot-red and walked away.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, a toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. The woman was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. She told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To her horror, the little girl looked her straight in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. She mustered up the last of her dignity and walked out of the bank with her daughter in tow.
The last thing she heard when the door closed behind her were screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
A woman's three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and she was on at him constantly. One day they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining room. While enjoying their taco, she smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then she realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No."
She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then she said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. She just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, she asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing!
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made her feel better by thanking her for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...
There was a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!



Regards

ScottyB

[kwikbitch]

Here's a true one for you...
I had a class of Reception children (4/5yrs) a couple of years back. We were doing a topic about ourselves and we were discussing peoples names. I told them that my name was Lisa and that their mummies and daddies have a name too...
To cut a long story short this little one said "My mums called mummy"...
"But mummy must have a name" I said
"what does daddy call her?"
He looked me straight in the eye and said.."sometimes he calls her sexbomb and sometimes he calls her ****!"

What can you say to that?
Just be careful you dad's with little ones....
Us teachers get to know EVERYTHING!

[ScottyB]

Kids...............

So young and innocent, and ready to drop you in it at every opportunity

[Jools]

Another true story...

I was about 18, in the first flush of lust with a new girlfriend and we'd ended up in bed. Back then we didn't have to worry about Aids, but since she wasn't on the pill, and I had come unprepared, I had to get dressed, get on my Ossa 250 and scoot off for some condoms - wait there...don't move...I'll be back.

It was in the days before supermarkets and garages stocked them, so I had to go to the nearest chemist. I picked some durex up, joined the queue to pay.

As I reached the front of the queue there was a woman behind me examining a pair of sunglasses that she'd picked off a rack. I handed my packet of condoms over to the 20 something shop assistant, and as I did so she looked straight at me, but spoke over my shoulder to the woman behind me with the sunglasses "Would you like to try them on, we've got a mirror here", she said. I knew who she was speaking to, but with the brashness of youth I said "No thanks, I'm sure they'll fit but if you want to make sure, I'm sure we can arrange something".

By now, sunglasses woman was in a fit of hysterical giggles. It was as though the assistant had seen me for the first time. She looked at me, then slowly down to the packet in her hand and went a bright shade of crimson...

I don't know quite how I made it out of the door if splitting my sides laughing hadn't killed me the dagger look from the girl should have

[Desmondo]

My mum once asked the guy in an ice cream van for a 69
Simple, but oh so funny at the time.

[Scottch]

LOL!!



Outstanding! The lot of them!

Jim, I'm left wondering though, who had to pay mate??

Cheers!

Scott

[rockhopper]

Ages ago i had to go and collect a 7.5 tonne truck that we were hiring for a few days. The girl behind the counter said
"Do you want any taccos?"

Quick as a flash i said,

"No thanks, i've just had my breakfast".




Well i thought it was funny!

[sean]

What brilliant stories.

Many years ago a friend of mine was sent on teaching practice (we were at teacher training college) to a very posh boys prep school. He was just a working class lad from South Wales. On the first day he was getting to know his tutor group, and began by asking them what their fathers (remember this is history) did for a living. As he went around the class the responses he was getting were typically 'the ambassador to Chile', 'Vice President of BP', 'Foreign Secretary' etc etc. He was feeling some what intimidated by this, and then one young lad piped up 'Conductor'. He felt 'at last someone I have something in common with', and my friend responded 'oh yes, well actually my dad is also a conductor, he works on the Swansea buses'. A very pregnant silence decended on the room. At which point my highly perceptive friend realised that his interjection was perhaps not getting the friendly response from the boy that he expected. The boy in question looked at my friend with considerable disdain and said, ' I meant that he is Conductor of the London Philamonic (?) Orchestra'. It was not his best day.

[kwikbitch]

tee, hee, hee...

We were doing some work on weighing and to introduce the topic I asked the children if they could think of anything that they had around the house that they might use to find out how heavy things are...I had various thoughts from the children but not anything concrete to go on...so I said
" Is there anything that you might find in the bathroom that mummy might use to find her weight?"
There was a bit of a silence, then a hand went up.
" There's a box on the floor... Mummy uses it to weigh her feet....!"

Needless to say I had my work cut out that day...