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12 days of Xmas December 14th Dearest Darling John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist... you're just too kind. Love Agnes December 17th Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop! Cordially, Agnes December 20th John: What's with you and those flippin’ birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of idiotic joke is this? There's bird mess all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. It's not funny! So stop with those stupid birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21st Ok Pal: I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. They’ve dumped all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Please leave me alone. Ag December 22nd Hey Brainless: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And wow do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those eight maids all over the house since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me. I’ll get you back for this, you see if I don’t!! From Ag December 23rd You Half wit: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I f you could call them ladies They've been after those nine pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of crap. The city council are having a meeting to see if my house should be condemned. I’ve reported you to the police as a stalker One who means it, Ag December 24th Listen Airhead: As regards those eleven lords a-leaping, now they did make me laugh, I managed to run 240 volts through them. I bet they have never leapt like that before 6 of the 9 pipers died from methane poisoning from all the cow muck in my living room All 234 of the birds are dead, they’ve been trampled to death when the cows stampeded I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister December 25th (From Dale, Smith & Brown Solicitors) Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. A restriction order has been placed upon you. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. |