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| #1  09-Nov-2005, 13:35 | ||||
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| The old ones are the worst? Liverpool Olympic Bid In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2004, the organizers of Liverpool's bid had drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy of which was leaked and is reproduced below...... OPENING CEREMONY The Olympic flame will be ignited be a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the Stadium. THE EVENTS In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc). HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes. SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages deliveryman. BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip way from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson. THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course. SWIMMING Competitors will be thrown into the Mersey. The first three survivor's back will decide the medals. MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool. THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Kirkby Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished be someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium itself will be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler. ...........where is Weeksy when you need a comment   |
| #5 09-Nov-2005, 21:58 | ||||
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I had the very same thought :P:P |
| #9 09-Nov-2005, 22:28 | |||
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AK
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