Ducati Sporting Club UK > Model Specific - Discussion, Technical Problems and Help > General Motorcycles only > Help Reading Haynes Manuals

[Clippy]

Sorry if you've seen this before, but I thought it might help a few people understand what the manual expects of them...

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise
Translation: Clamp with molegrips and beat repeatedly with a hammer in an anticlockwise direction

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: You will skin your knuckles

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start…now you’re looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox!!!

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a catering size tin of WD40

Haynes: Retain small spring
Translation: Jeez, what was that? It nearly had my eye out!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK, that’s the glass bit off, now where are the pliers to get the bayonet bit out?

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off gently and build up effort until the veins on your forehead are throbbing and you re-check the manual ‘cause there no way anything light is moving this puppy!

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it ain’t busted, leave well alone!

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: That’s another bolt about to be rounded off…

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: Your mother could do this so how come you’ve screwed it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: You think you can do this ‘cause two is a tiny, little, easy number, but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the London Underground…

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Monsters and SS’s are much easier to work on than 748/9**’s aren’t they, so a Monster/SS three star is like a normal tow star, isn’t it???

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: With a 6-week wait for a space at the dealer you’re really thinking about having a go, aren’t you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK – but don’t ever expect it to run or corner the same afterwards…

Haynes: If you don’t have one to hand, you can fabricate a small tool…
Translation: A wire coat hanger and…..hahahahahahahahahahahaha…ouch!

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then spend an hour searching in that dark corner for while muttering things the Webteam would certainly not approve of under your breath…

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you’re looking at, then declare loudly to your other half, “Yep, as I thought it’s going to need a new one”.

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You’re about to cut yourself…

Haynes: Retaining nut
Translation: Yes, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant to help you…
Translation: Prepare to look utterly incompetent in front of a friend

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed…
Translation: However, starting it afterwards will be much harder. Once the sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly replace the plugs and try again…

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: But you will swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating peg…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Use a suitable drift…
Translation: The biggest nail in your toolbox is not a suitable drift…

Haynes: Everyday toolkit…
Translation: Ensure you have an AA card and mobile phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near the part and ‘huffing’ is not moderate heat…but don’t dive for the paint stripping gun before you move that wiring out of the way!

Haynes: Index
Translation: A list of all the things in the book except the one you’re looking for!

[Edited on 5-5-2004 by Clippy]

[Jools]

Excellent...

Dear old Haynes have always made me smile when they say things like "Now remove the crankshaft" and they illustrate that with a guy in pristine overalls and not a trace of grease on his hands or under his fingernails holding a shiny new crankshaft

There is one you left out however...that's the good old "Assembly is the reverse procedure to dissasembly"...yeah, right...except you're gonna need a plastic bag for all the bits you've got left over