| Few jokes as it is nearly friday
Suddenly one day Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the doors. One elderly gentleman sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the evil one was there.
“Don't you know who I am?” Satan demanded.
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren't you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain't.” said the man.
“Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don't doubt it for a minute,” said the old man.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply?
“And you're still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren't you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
Greek family is sitting around the supper table and the son asks if he can ask a personal question.
The father said, "Ask away."
The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.
"Onions" exclaimed the mother. Yes, when you see them, they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Can I ask a personal question? Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"Christmas tree" exclaimed the father. Yes, dead from the root and the balls are there for decoration only."
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ACTUAL HELP DESK CALLS
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ...
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Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Is that your left, or my left?
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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
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Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can y! ou tell me when you will finally be helping me?
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Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!  |
18-Nov-2004, 17:00 
Linear Mode
