A world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is walking down the High Street one day when he spots an advert in his local record shop for "Wasp sounds from around the Globe". On further enquiry he discovers that a vinyl recording of this subject has just been released and a few copies are available in store there and then. Naturally, being a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps he is curious and asks the young chap behind the counter if he can have a listen to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
A few seconds later the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps is standing at one of those little sound stations with his headphones on and a puzzled expression on his face. He removes the headphones, walks back to the counter and catches the young sales persons attention. "Excuse me" he says, "I'm a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe", and I must say, there appears to be some mistake. Those are no Wasp sounds with which I am familiar". The young man dutifully checks the recording in question and assures the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps that he is indeed listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe".
Puzzled, the world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps returns to the headphones and once again begins to listen. After a few seconds he once again returns to the counter and accosts the young fellow there. "Excuse me" he says, "As I mentioned before, I am a world renowned expert in the sounds of European Wasps and I've just been listening to "Wasp sounds from around the Globe" and I have to say again, those are no wasp sounds with which I am familiar. Are you certain I have been listening to the correct recording?" Slightly exasperated by now, the young man checks the disc currently playing and with a slightly sheepish grin confesses:- . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
"Oops, sorry sir, I seem to have played you the bee side"
The phone rang. The lady of the house answered. "Yes?" "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
--Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. --Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. --Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other. --Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read. --Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. --Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. --Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. --Criminal: A guy no different from the rest except that he got caught. --Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. --Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. --Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills. --Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. --Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. --Father: A banker provided by nature. --Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either. --Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. --Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. --Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. --Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." --Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. --Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. --Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. --Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power. --Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
I think someone has been spreading vicious rumours that I live in a lighthouse - every time the phone rings and I answer it a voice says "Is the coast clear?"
A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court. Her long-suffering husband went with her for support. The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.
"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?"
The woman agreed.
"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."
The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, "Your honor, may I approach the bench?"
"Well," said his honor, th is is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."
The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he said in a low voice, "She also stole a can of peas."
14-Sep-2005, 10:11 
Hybrid Mode
