As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Severence of Late-Aged Personnel).
Emplyees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPped employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. SCREW (Survey of capabilitie of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPped and SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher authority Following termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPped once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed a smany times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he?she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severence) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benifit plans, any employee who has recieved HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board the the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity training (****)
We take pride in the amount of **** our employees recieve. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not recieve enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you recieve all the **** you can stand.
And once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
17-Dec-2006, 12:54 
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