Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > Dear Alcohol-especially for TP, BDG, and Ruthie...

[Monty]

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
daiquiri, a glass of wine on the weekend, you're even around in the
holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in
the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been
wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some
unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion
and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a
few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.

3.Clumsiness

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front
door key into the lock.

4.Furthermore

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for a previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is
shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on
the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal
& in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. No, Kebab's are just not tasty enough, Thank you!

4. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

John