Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > The rules of modern life...

[mogwai]

everywhere you go, always take a weapon with you, wise words from crowded house..


If you live in London you do not need a giant four-wheel drive jeep or land rover to take your kids to school. Driving a smaller car but putting a sticker on the bumper saying "selfish twunt" gets the message across just as clearly..

Statistically speaking, not only is it cooler to have been a member of the rolling stones rather than the Beatles,it's a lot fecking safer..

Big Issue sellers: you've proved you can hold down a job. Now go and get one..

Girls: if you get a text from your boyfriend saying that he wants to kick your puppy and dual your aunt, take it with a pinch of salt as it's more likely that he just hasn't got the hang of predictive text yet...

Old People: Just because you lived during world war 2 makes you no different from the average punter who lived in Britain during the Gulf war. Unless you stormed a beach at Normandy with a bayonet and actually took a bullet through a vital organ then you are not a war hero and will be treated accordingly...

Never get into a hokey cokey competition with Heather Mills McCartney...

The collective noun for a group of leery young men in gaudy shirts is a 'Stella'...
Lions: Sue the creators of Wizard of Oz for portraying your species as cowardly *****. Make sure you do it in Britain though as you will most certainly qualify for legal aid, like most of the rapists, paedophiles, murderers and terrorists..

The collective term for a group of ****s is a 'limousine'..

Gypsies: Avoid hassle from the authorities and eventual eviction from your illegal site by putting up a few fairground rides...


When a good friend is about to tell you a hugely important life-altering secret, before they have even finished saying "and you've got to promise not to tell anyone under any circumstances" you have already thought of the person you are going to tell..


Never assume that doorman / nightclub bouncers have a 'soft and sensitive' side just because they are wearing a poppy. It's highly likely that they are ex- special forces and have killed men with their bare hands...

Sex is rarely "mind-blowing". However it can be "life-altering". Especially when your spouse finds out..

Whats that skippy? The Ozzies just lost the Ashes?..

When ordering a coffee in the UK use the following structure: 'Please may I have xxxx'. Under no circumstances should you say 'Can I get xxx'. This makes you sound like a pathetic, shallow, easily influenced ******** who relies on American sitcoms for your means of communication.

Oh, and if I am behind you in the queue you will also get punched in the face repeatedly..

Never bet on a dog named Tripod...

It's nice to be important, but it's important be nice...

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