Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > At Christmas time .... and on a religious note

A new priest was set to celebrate his first Christmas Eve midnight mass. In fact it was his first ever mass and he was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip of the Vodka. The congregation thinks it’s the water so no one is the wiser and it helps to calm my nerves"

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the presbytery door:

• Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

• There are 10 commandments, not 12.

• There are 12 disciples, not 10.

• Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

• Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

• We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

• The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

• David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

• When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

• We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

• When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" .

• The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry,.

• The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

• Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

…and another one


40 Gypsies died and went to heaven. They turned up at the Pearly Gates and asked St Peter to let them in.

He said that they didn't have room for all 40 of them. He only had room for 5, so they should go away and think about who would come in.

A short while later St Peter went to see God and said "They've gone!" God replied, "What, the Pikeys?"

"No the fookin' gates"!!!!