12 days of Xmas
December 14th
Dearest Darling John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine,
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really!
They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're
being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings.
One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on
my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those flippin’ birds???? Seven swans
a-swimming. What kind of idiotic joke is this? There's bird mess all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous
wreck and I can't sleep all night. It's not funny! So stop with those
stupid birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
Ok Pal:
I think I prefer the birds. What the heck am I going to do
with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds
and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows.
They’ve dumped all over the lawn and I can't move into my own
house. Please leave me alone.
Ag
December 22nd
Hey Brainless:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And wow do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing
those eight maids all over the house since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder
they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a
petition to evict me. I’ll get you back for this, you see if I don’t!!
From Ag
December 23rd
You Half wit:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I f you could call them ladies
They've been after those nine pipers all night long.
The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of crap. The city council are
having a meeting to see if my house should be
condemned. I’ve reported you to the police as a stalker
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Airhead:
As regards those eleven lords a-leaping, now they did make me laugh, I managed to run 240 volts through them. I bet they have never leapt like that before
6 of the 9 pipers died from methane poisoning from all the cow muck in my living room
All 234 of the birds are dead, they’ve been trampled to death when the cows stampeded
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From Dale, Smith & Brown Solicitors)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
A restriction order has been placed upon you. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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