Man starts a new job at the zoo and is given 3 tasks.
First is to clear the fish pool of weeds. As he does this a big fish jumps up and bites him. To show who's the boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving to his second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by 2 chimps who pelt him with coconuts. So he steams in and beats them to death with his spade.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions becuase lions eat anything. So he throws both chimps into the lions enclosure.
He then moves to his last job which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he approaches the hive, he is attacked by a swarm of bees. He goes absolutely mental and smashes the bees to smithereens with his spade.
By now he knows what to do. he sweeps them up and throws them to the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders upto the other lions and says "Whats the food like here?"
Another lion says "Absolutely brilliant! Today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo vet determined the problem was the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on the problem, the zoo management noticed Keith, a big Welsh lad from the Valleys, responsible for fixing the zoo's machinery.
Keith, like most Valleys boys, had little sense, but seemed to possess the ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. So, the zoo administrator thought, they might have a solution. Keith was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £3,500?
Keith showed some interest, but said he would have to think about it. The following day, Keith announced he would accept the offer, but only under 3 conditions: "First" he said "I don't want to have to kiss the gorilla." "Secondly, you must never tell anyone of this"
The zoo administrators quickly agreed to these terms, and then said, what about the 3rd condition???
"Well" Keith said... "you gotta give me another week to come up with the £3,500"
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.......
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fu**ing putt, didn't you?"
Monty
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