Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > Tools defined..

[mogwai]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
>nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
>parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
>particularly well on boxes containing leather goods.
>
>ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets
>in their holes until you die of old age.
>
>PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
>board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
>unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
>course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads and transfer intense
>welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
>flammable objects in your garage on fire.
>
>WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
>and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
>9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
>flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in
>the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it
>against that freshly painted part you were drying.
>
>WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
>somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
>removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
>about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
>
>HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
>you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
>jack handle firmly under the fender.
>
>EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward
>off a hydraulic jack.
>
>TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
>hydraulic floor jack.
>
>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
>for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
>your boot.
>
>E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
>holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
>TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
>buildup.
>
>TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
>tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
>forgotten to disconnect.
>
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying
>tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip
>on the end without the handle.
>
>BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring
>sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
>after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
>as you thought.
>
>AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
>a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
>vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at
>night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
>40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
>shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
>Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
>somewhat misleading.
>
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
>used, as the name implies, to round out Phillips screw heads.
>
>AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
>coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
>compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
>wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by
>someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
>
>PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
>or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent
>part.
>
>HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

[Rattler]

You only really need two items in your toolkit - WD40 and Gaffer Tape.

If something's moving when it shouldn't be - Gaffer tape
If something's not moving when it should be - WD40

Sorted.

Tim