Ducati Sporting Club UK > General > Idle Chat > THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION)

[yeti]

THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (POLITICALLY CORRECT VERSION)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy"
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir!"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the Main-brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral, it's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: Good heaven's Hardy, I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a four knot speed in this stretch of water."
Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all despatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness. They also said the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard of anything so absurd."
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas on visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we supposed to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more sir. We must be inclusive in the multicultural age. Now
put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."
Nelson: "And what about Sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case........Kiss me Hardy."

[HW]

A cheery start to a Monday morning. Ta

[Tonio600]

[rockhopper]

I guess things are a bit slow at work this morning John!

[yeti]

Originally posted by rockhopper
I guess things are a bit slow at work this morning John!

Just catchin up on all the S**T I l left behind while I was away!

Sums up this bluddy country though!!

[antonye]

(C) Richard Littlejohn, The Sun

[Rushjob]

Along similar lines........

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all.



Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, colour, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishee.





(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)